Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Anxiety attack

Its a strange month, April. So many things seem to happen and yet there are moments that seem to slow things down to a point of boredom. It is these slow times that you tend to just keep quiet, and that's what I've been doing, keeping relatively quiet, relatively still.

You know that eventually one must come out of one's shell, meet different people, and do different things. Somehow I've been doing the same thing for the longest time. I can't complain, although it really does prevent me from doing anything new. The fact that I keep telling everyone I've been busy, its true. Finding it difficult to have time for myself even, I wonder why its a never ending streak of having something to do.

Last weekend was the first, in a long time, that I just sat at home, and did nothing. The idea bugged me at first, to wake up in bed, and not get off and do anything. I checked my PDA (now, phone), and Saturday was a blank. I could've filled it up as easily as I could've just laid there and do nothing about it. I chose the latter. So there I was, watching the ever growing stack of DVDs. Sleeping, napping, snacking, watching more movies. And then...when I woke up, it was 1.20pm. Apparently time didn't pass all that much from the time I woke to after I tried to relax. I resolved to try harder.

About 3 movies and more napping later, it was 6pm. By then I just felt sick, I couldn't find my centre of gravity as I felt like I floated around the house, looking for dinner. I hate that feeling, like you aren't rested and just being unproductive all day. I was reliving my college years, how sad was that!

So this weekend will be different. Go out and do something. Its just this anxiousness that I can't get rid off for some reason or other. I don't exactly know what it is. I can't seem to focus, like I'm expecting something big to happen. I don't know what that is at the moment, but I know something is. I've been trying to trace the root of this problem, is it because I attended 2 funerals? Is it because I might be overspending again? Have I filled my income tax forms correctly? Or, how do I even begin to fill up the enterprise census forms in time? All the way to the feeling of, what if the house I'm designing turns out...bad?

The thing is I'm accustomed to making the best use of limited resources, or limited spaces within the means or budget allocated. But when you hand be a blank canvas, and I have to create something that will hopefully be error free, the depth and level of thought and analysis required just increases tenfold because I'm not fixing people's mistakes, I am creating mistakes and hopefully I can fix them in time before they build it. Mistakes cost money, and budget isn't allocated for mistakes. Why then, you'd ask, are you thinking so much? Why don't you just relax?

Everyone tells me to relax. I do that too when I run out of things to tell someone who's stressed. Its perhaps the ultimate answer to every crisis. Relax! Be cool! The problem is the moment I relax, I become unproductive, and start popping DVDs in the player like ngan yin groundnuts. Scary thought, ugly sight.

Reasons - or goals are important. It helps you focus and gives you something to look forward to. Most of us constantly tell ourselves, yeah we have a goal. But its there at the back of the head, not something that's driving us to make the decisions we're making, or do the things that we do. That's my mistake, and when someone or something suddenly re-highlights this very important fact (my re-highlighting episode lasted approximately 5 minutes), life becomes clearer. Work has reason. And stress is the fuel that keeps me going.