I am putting on restraints to stop myself from thinking too much. If a thinking cap was something someone would wear to promote thoughts mine would be doing the reverse. Which is strange to think that I had just worn a cap because my hair is in a mess now. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have entered the bad hair zone. Its not a bad hair day, where the next day you hope it would look better and it usually does, mine is stuck in an eternal curse. Well, at least for this week or so. Its neither long nor short, makes it quite difficult to work with. No matter, I think if I believe its okay, then it shall be.
I just finished reading the newspapers today. I realized that I have been reading the newspapers a lot lately. The best part of the newspapers is actually the advertisements. I am drawn to them somehow - much more than anything else. Sometimes there are good ads, and sometimes there are bad ads. Very, very bad ads. The last bad ad I saw was this family picture and then the mom and dad looked bored and the daughter looked like she just came out of some vegan diet after devouring meat her entire life, tired, that is, and then the brother looked like he just stepped out of a Hong Kong triad movie. I looked at it...then I looked at it again. Then I didn't even want to read the fine print. But I knew that if I met him I would give him a good whack on the head. Just because.
Well that isn't the point actually, I just deviated like I always do. So what I read today, or didn't read. I glance at newspapers, I only read what interests me. One of the columns that held my attention about a few days back was this write-in section. This is the section where normal citizens and readers can submit their thoughts (hey) about anything and they will publish it there for all to see. Unfortunately, you can gauge the level of maturity most Malaysians have by the things they say. Some of them are awful, simply...simply awful. You know how sometimes something is so bad you just have to look at it, or read it, or pay attention to it? Well this is it. The epitome of stupidity. Well at least most of them are. But I would like to tell you about the letter that this person sent in a few days ago...now this person tells the whole world that condoms only have an effectiveness of so and so statistic that he probably grabbed from the Internet. He thinks that abstinence is the only way to go, and that people shouldn't even be talking about condoms because promiscuity is bad. Monogamy is good. Basically he's saying, stop being promiscuous and that is the best preventive measure.
Great. Once in a while you do get some people who talk like that. Its like they have discovered the essence of life. Ah! Goodness! Purity! Abstinence! What they fail to realize is that life isn't all pretty and predictable. You can't tell people what to do with their lives and what is good and what is bad because the essence of morality is debatable. It is like censorship on television, who is to judge what is morally correct and what is not? Base it on his or her own judgement? Bah! Our judgements are constantly being developed as we gain new experiences and as our character builds. Am I to say that I am the same as I was a year ago? Most definitely not! I may not even be the same 5 seconds ago.
So anyway what interested me was when this guy from the Malaysian AIDS Council wrote in today and said something quite refreshing. He said that although condoms have an effectiveness level, you gotta look at it from different viewpoints, its application, whether it's expired, etc. He continues to say that he has been in many countries to promote the prevention of AIDS and STDs and abstinence was the least effective method. When you are communicating over a wider spectrum with different cultures and when you are trying to spread awareness, especially in this case, what you are doing, your objective, is to disease prevention. I don't understand how some people can treat that negatively, is it because it is unacceptable to them that people are being promiscuous and having sex before marriage? This guy continues to say that it is simply unrealistic. When you think about it, you can never tell what's going to happen. That's what makes humans unpredictable, and that's what makes us human. Life's like that. He ends with, 'Reality bites'. I liked that very much. It's like, 'live with it, suck it up, its going to happen, it's happening, either you help us or you stay out of our way.'
Next, yes, that was just one...next I read about the music business. There has been all the big hoo-haa about piracy and how the music industry is trying to make CDs copy-proof. And how all the artists are complaining that they are not selling as many albums due to piracy. Boo hoo hoo. Reality bites. Personally, I have been buying original CDs for the last few albums, it is by choice, it was something I wanted to do, it wasn't a morality thing as much as it was a quality thing. Anyway that aside, I was thinking, why are they even complaining? They simply have had their comfort zone taken away. Big deal, go think of something new and deal with it. I don't really understand why they can't just continue doing what they do, or if they weren't having all their piracy and sob story campaigns they probably would have found a new method of distributing their music, or to just work around the problem. It isn't as if every problem is a dead end, its more of a challenge and I think what most people fail to do is realize that they are being challenged, so the easiest way out is to create a basket of pity, hopefully people will look at you and share your sorrow. Unfortunately some people remain in their baskets forever.
I seem to be writing out of frustration today. I don't know if it is directly or indirectly or if at all it is related to me. I don't think so. But I just feel like sometimes the things people do really bug me. To the extent that I have to spend time thinking about it and then analyzing it. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so, yet again. Analyzing something allows me to evaluate and re-evaluate something to death, then at least I am looking at a cube, not a square. And that's always a good thing coz you can put so much more in a cube than a square.
Okay I should stop now or I will end up infuriating the entire population.
But if only they weren't such squares...
Tuesday, March 26, 2002
Monday, March 25, 2002
reflection
I am in a writing mood, although I know that I don't have the mental capacity to write. Its as if my mind's a total vastness that is indescribable, but yet my heart is feeling a plethora of emotions that is in dire need of expression. This isn't unusual, I had anticipated this day to come the day I started working on this log, some days will be good, some days will be exciting, and some days will be dull and boring. This is neither of those days. But it is one of another kind of day, one of those puzzling ones.
I guess throughout the whole of last week I had the sheer rarity of not being responsible without the fear of irresponsibility. The various blue and yellow pills marked Syntex and 250 was like a reason, an excuse to not function. After the second day, I was hooked. No, I don't think it was the addiction of painkillers, but it was the psychological reaction that was linked to them, it was the thought that I could be absent from pain, any kind of pain. Emotional and otherwise.
I stopped taking the painkillers because I think I am not in pain, I think some suffering time is at hand now to keep reality in check. But am I really suffering anyway? I don't think so. Suffering isn't lying in bed watching MTV. Suffering isn't the thought and knowledge that I will be provided 3 meals a day so that I can take my medication afterward. I watched and saw many things throughout the course of my recovery. Suffering wasn't something that you would sign up voluntarily like a photography assignment on a beauty pageant. Suffering was real, it was evident, it will make you cry. Suffering will make you reach out and help, and be a totally different person.
Isn't it strange that other people's predicaments are in place so that you have some kind of emotional and empathetic focus? I think its strange. Well, I think that it wouldn't really affect a lot of people. It wouldn't be right, or wrong of me to state that they are ignorant. Being judgmental is one of those racy, on the border things that someone should never go in relation to anything. Unless you're a tyrannical imperialistic dictator...then I guess it is part of the job description.
I find that I am on the verge of overexaggeration. I am in the mood for it now. Does it make my surroundings more colorful, contrasty and hyper-concentrated? In a way it does, and I do like it that way. The tiny voice in my head tells me its wrong to do that. I ignore it sometimes, people tell me off sometimes, but when I am on the verge of overexaggeration, I am also not in the mood to accept morality viewpoints. To what I know, I brush my teeth, I wear decent clothes, have a good job and my life's in order - well, somewhat, so much so that everything else is overrated.
What is more scary than not knowing what you want and where to go?
Knowing exactly what you want and where to go. And realizing that this is the decision that will map out your entire future. Knowledge leads to predictability. I had a somewhat shocking revelation the other day when I realize that all these years of planning and thinking had led me to a faded kind of decision. Faded in a sense that it had always been there, it just took me some time to figure it out. And now here I am, with everything I could possibly have, and the sheer responsibility to carry on what I am supposed to do, or what I have already mapped out for myself to do. I guess some may say that direction is a good thing.
But if the direction is evident, then you won't have the direction anymore coz all that's left is the journey. Its the journey that is new and exciting. Exciting is like an over-hyped word to mask fear and anxiety. But it's going to be great...I can feel it somehow, things are going to look up and work out.
I guess throughout the whole of last week I had the sheer rarity of not being responsible without the fear of irresponsibility. The various blue and yellow pills marked Syntex and 250 was like a reason, an excuse to not function. After the second day, I was hooked. No, I don't think it was the addiction of painkillers, but it was the psychological reaction that was linked to them, it was the thought that I could be absent from pain, any kind of pain. Emotional and otherwise.
I stopped taking the painkillers because I think I am not in pain, I think some suffering time is at hand now to keep reality in check. But am I really suffering anyway? I don't think so. Suffering isn't lying in bed watching MTV. Suffering isn't the thought and knowledge that I will be provided 3 meals a day so that I can take my medication afterward. I watched and saw many things throughout the course of my recovery. Suffering wasn't something that you would sign up voluntarily like a photography assignment on a beauty pageant. Suffering was real, it was evident, it will make you cry. Suffering will make you reach out and help, and be a totally different person.
Isn't it strange that other people's predicaments are in place so that you have some kind of emotional and empathetic focus? I think its strange. Well, I think that it wouldn't really affect a lot of people. It wouldn't be right, or wrong of me to state that they are ignorant. Being judgmental is one of those racy, on the border things that someone should never go in relation to anything. Unless you're a tyrannical imperialistic dictator...then I guess it is part of the job description.
I find that I am on the verge of overexaggeration. I am in the mood for it now. Does it make my surroundings more colorful, contrasty and hyper-concentrated? In a way it does, and I do like it that way. The tiny voice in my head tells me its wrong to do that. I ignore it sometimes, people tell me off sometimes, but when I am on the verge of overexaggeration, I am also not in the mood to accept morality viewpoints. To what I know, I brush my teeth, I wear decent clothes, have a good job and my life's in order - well, somewhat, so much so that everything else is overrated.
What is more scary than not knowing what you want and where to go?
Knowing exactly what you want and where to go. And realizing that this is the decision that will map out your entire future. Knowledge leads to predictability. I had a somewhat shocking revelation the other day when I realize that all these years of planning and thinking had led me to a faded kind of decision. Faded in a sense that it had always been there, it just took me some time to figure it out. And now here I am, with everything I could possibly have, and the sheer responsibility to carry on what I am supposed to do, or what I have already mapped out for myself to do. I guess some may say that direction is a good thing.
But if the direction is evident, then you won't have the direction anymore coz all that's left is the journey. Its the journey that is new and exciting. Exciting is like an over-hyped word to mask fear and anxiety. But it's going to be great...I can feel it somehow, things are going to look up and work out.
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