Monday, March 25, 2002


I am in a writing mood, although I know that I don't have the mental capacity to write. Its as if my mind's a total vastness that is indescribable, but yet my heart is feeling a plethora of emotions that is in dire need of expression. This isn't unusual, I had anticipated this day to come the day I started working on this log, some days will be good, some days will be exciting, and some days will be dull and boring. This is neither of those days. But it is one of another kind of day, one of those puzzling ones.

I guess throughout the whole of last week I had the sheer rarity of not being responsible without the fear of irresponsibility. The various blue and yellow pills marked Syntex and 250 was like a reason, an excuse to not function. After the second day, I was hooked. No, I don't think it was the addiction of painkillers, but it was the psychological reaction that was linked to them, it was the thought that I could be absent from pain, any kind of pain. Emotional and otherwise.

I stopped taking the painkillers because I think I am not in pain, I think some suffering time is at hand now to keep reality in check. But am I really suffering anyway? I don't think so. Suffering isn't lying in bed watching MTV. Suffering isn't the thought and knowledge that I will be provided 3 meals a day so that I can take my medication afterward. I watched and saw many things throughout the course of my recovery. Suffering wasn't something that you would sign up voluntarily like a photography assignment on a beauty pageant. Suffering was real, it was evident, it will make you cry. Suffering will make you reach out and help, and be a totally different person.

Isn't it strange that other people's predicaments are in place so that you have some kind of emotional and empathetic focus? I think its strange. Well, I think that it wouldn't really affect a lot of people. It wouldn't be right, or wrong of me to state that they are ignorant. Being judgmental is one of those racy, on the border things that someone should never go in relation to anything. Unless you're a tyrannical imperialistic dictator...then I guess it is part of the job description.

I find that I am on the verge of overexaggeration. I am in the mood for it now. Does it make my surroundings more colorful, contrasty and hyper-concentrated? In a way it does, and I do like it that way. The tiny voice in my head tells me its wrong to do that. I ignore it sometimes, people tell me off sometimes, but when I am on the verge of overexaggeration, I am also not in the mood to accept morality viewpoints. To what I know, I brush my teeth, I wear decent clothes, have a good job and my life's in order - well, somewhat, so much so that everything else is overrated.

What is more scary than not knowing what you want and where to go?

Knowing exactly what you want and where to go. And realizing that this is the decision that will map out your entire future. Knowledge leads to predictability. I had a somewhat shocking revelation the other day when I realize that all these years of planning and thinking had led me to a faded kind of decision. Faded in a sense that it had always been there, it just took me some time to figure it out. And now here I am, with everything I could possibly have, and the sheer responsibility to carry on what I am supposed to do, or what I have already mapped out for myself to do. I guess some may say that direction is a good thing.

But if the direction is evident, then you won't have the direction anymore coz all that's left is the journey. Its the journey that is new and exciting. Exciting is like an over-hyped word to mask fear and anxiety. But it's going to be great...I can feel it somehow, things are going to look up and work out.