Monday, December 27, 2004

The non-halal post

This was a weekend of good food. Having a hearty steak 2 days in a row was really something. Steak and coronas, they seem to be a pretty good combination. Anyway I also embarked on another cookout, and this time I was experimenting with the more basic elements of Italian food. Pasta, fresh herbs and olive oil. Its such a delightfully simple combination, and it's just so good, especially with a properly matched wine.

And then come dinner time, it was plain old hokkien mee. All black, all good, all the time.

My family went to Petaling Street yesterday for some new year shopping, so naturally they'd bring back some of 'em goodies from there. Its always interesting to find out what new items they have for sale. The last time they went they had individually packed 'long yuk', or barbequed pork slices. Individually packed means that you can carry around bite sized pork (that should be listed in Time's Invention of the year), and eat it wherever and whenever you want. Of course that meant that I, being me, would naturally have the tendency to stash it everywhere possible. So some went into the glove box, some went into the drawers of my get the idea. But 2 years later, which was just a few days ago I did some spring cleaning in my room and I found a few packets in my Out tray. The old me would've left it there and had them for snacks at 4pm with coffee. The new me sensibly threw it away.

This year, there was an even better invention. Streaky bacon 'long yuk'! My sister told me that last night and how good it was, but I pooh-poohed the whole thing because frankly I am, and I need to get on a diet. But this morning, void of any other breakfast-on-the-go foodstuff, I popped open the container and saw the glistening slices of meat. It was glistening! Either from the glucose or the abundance of animal fat, but whatever it was I just popped a slice and it was quite unlike anything I've had before. That slice probably had 1/3 of my daily fat intake and required 140 Watts of energy to burn off, but right at that moment I realized that its not always about statistics and simple Italian cooking with fresh ingredients. Its about how being Chinese means that you just have to get as much 'zhu yau', or pork fat as you can in any dish, because just like anyone familiar with good Hokkien mee will tell you, 'no zhu yau, sure not good one.'

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

New and old stuff

I decided to re-do my current project today, which was the BLVK Carpentry website, since I thought it needed some changes. I already had a concept going, just needed some more photos and materials. Do check out the progress at

While I was uploading the files I kept getting this error message 'Quota exceeded', which would mean that I needed to clear space off my server if I wanted to add new stuff in. I was pretty amazed that some of the things managed to remain in my server. Things I've written almost 5 years ago!

I started writing this thing I called e:Planet around that time. It was like a diary/publication. At that time not many people did that, and the word blog wasn't even coined then. But there I was, writing, publishing, editing the links. And today, I just browsed through some of the things I wrote. Its a strange feeling, its like I am reading about an entirely different person, but yet, so similar...speech patterns haven't changed a bit, I actually was (and still is) quite cynical.

I liked life worries, no responsibilities. I wrote with careless abandon, with passion. I wrote about the future that hasn't happened yet with such hope and possibility. Things seem so different now, so much more subdued, real. Reality makes for boring company sometimes, and sometimes I just want to be away from it. But only for a moment.

Monday, December 20, 2004

friggin' shoe house

If it happens, it all happens at the same time.

Water started trickling from the air-conditioning today, and this was not my first experience, its happened before, and it just happened about a week ago, in my house, and now its happening in my office. The trickling sound annoys me, its also the fact that as I'm sitting here my carpet is getting soaked. Although there's a pail, but its not large enough to contain the trickling. All of a sudden I'm living in a shoe house with hansel and gretel.

But I've got it settled, by tomorrow morning they'll come and hopefully fix it. Its actually something I could fix myself, but why should I? I don't want to mess up my pants in clogged pipes during office hours, plus its not like my home. If it was home I'd do it myself. Never really appreciated people walking up and down my floors - its the cleaning up, you know. I like my floors clean coz I sit and sleep on it.

Which brings me to my next episode that happened today, its a minor thing. I like it if people settled their businesses face to face. The whole thing about proxies really bug me. If there's something to be said, just go right up and say it to my face, that's my philosophy. I already dismissed it and told myself its not going to be a problem, just that in the future, its not going to happen at all, you know? I take things personally, whether I voice it or not, and some cutting of ties are in place. As it is I'm already aggravated enough, I don't need more stresses in my life. But you know, when you have it good, you have it good.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

wasting time

I have all these things in my head. Images. Phrases. Taglines. Specifications. Drawings. Thoughts. People.

All these things keep me up even though I want to be sleeping. Just as it is right now.

I know if I flip over and close my eyes, I would instantly feel better than in my position at the moment.

But yet I persist. If I don't stop then I would just go on the whole night. Working. Formulating.

So many things to do tomorrow, accomplishing them slowly seems to take too long...

I can't wait that long.

I always feel like I don't have enough time. I don't like wasting time.

I don't like waiting for people.

Unless something happens while waiting. Then, its not time wasted.

But that hardly ever happens, so its a waste of time, the whole waiting business.

What am I waiting for now?

Probably some sense to return so I can close this thing, turn over, and get some sleep.

But I know I won't. Coz I'll still be thinking.

Darn. I can never win now, can I?

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

The makings of a good year

You know that feeling? The one where you know that everything is going to be okay, when the weather pleasant, the passing breeze cooling, and the air crisp and unexpectedly fresh, the sun is shining and there's clear blue skies above, and for that brief moment you can almost hear background music. Of course you know that's in your head, but its the feeling that you know that the year is coming to an end, and the new year is beginning.

My parents have always called it 'kuo nin fung', which translates literally to 'new year breeze', which was always very uplifting somehow. Its one of the few times where everyone just stops for that brief moment, and once its over you just get on with your life, but everything seems to be better.

For me, I take these moments and experience some flashbacks through the events that occured throughout the course of the year. Its quite amazing how many things happen within a year, how many conversations you have, how many people you meet. This has been one of the more eventful years, even though I think that every year has its significances, this year seems to be what I call a resiliency-building year. Somehow life's experiences, as they say, if doesn't kill you, should make you stronger. I liked how resilient I've become, even though I probably ought to work on my cynicism. But its also a year that I've learnt to just let it go, let loose, and just take things easy. Frankly, I actually enjoy not thinking about things too much and just let it happen naturally.

Of course things don't happen automatically if you're at a standstill, some things require certain actions, or nudges, if you will. I liked how things just came together in the end, you know? Life hardly was more exciting or meaningful when I was just going about my routines. Now I'm working a lot harder, a lot longer, but I'm enjoying what I do - that makes a big difference.

This seems like something I'd write during new year, but I'm in the mood now, who knows what will happen in 15 days right? I hope that everyone has had a great year so far, and if they didn't, at least learnt a lesson or two in the process, and just keep focused on your dreams, and things will get better from then'll see.

Monday, December 13, 2004

The alignment of the planets

Life is chaotic, which presents itself in series of challenges, but once you sit down, take a deep breath, and begin to find solutions to these challenges, once you start to relax, things will fall into place fairly easily.

For the longest time I was looking for glass. Glass for the coffee table I was making, that is, and without much luck at that. Apparently they don't sell small quantities, most of them would say. I was in the midst of shopping for alternative materials, which would be glass, wood, bamboo, steel, that kinda thing, and I needed to know which reliable source I can get these things from.

It must have been the alignment of the planets, or something universal like that but today, just a short drive from my office, there it was, glass glazier trading, a shop that was dedicated to making your glass dreams come true. I stood in awe surrounded by different types of different thicknesses, with helpful assistance to boot.

Its funny how impatient most Malaysians are, they want it cheap, they want it fast, and they want it to have superhuman powers. I finally gave in to temptation and decided to ask the universally dreaded question - 'This glass...can break ah?' haha, I just had to do it, people have done it to me for months, and every single time I have to say 'yes, but all glass can break one...' which expectedly was the answer I got. So I asked if they had tempered glass, and the first thing she said was, 'but, its quite expensive...and you have to wait, coz we have to order.' I asked, 'How long?' and she said 'About 2 or 3 days?'. To me 3 days is nothing considering I had been looking for weeks, and price wasn't a really huge factor if they could make it to specification, which was the most excellent bit, I was sick of seeing blank looks when I asked for 600x600x8mm tempered glass with bevelled edges. Now I can create wood/glass structures with ease, that's a whole different level altogether, and one of the many reasons why life is good, and worth living.

The planets are now aligned. Its about bloody time it should anyway.

Friday, December 10, 2004

The trail of destruction

The other day as I was working in my workshop I left the doors open, which is usually closed because I don't really like strangers strolling in and dealing with them. But I was cleaning up, and the place needed to be aired anyway - some fresh air never hurt nobody.

So there was this man that I knew who sent his kids upstairs for karate classes, I said 'Hi!', not really remembering what his name was, although we had been introduced before. Its quite a normal thing, I found out, that people don't really remember a name, but they almost always recognize a face, and for that brief encounter, you will act as if you were the best of friends, and the moment you're gone, the both of you will be wondering what each other's names were.

We talked briefly about what I was doing there, and then he commented that there is no originality amongst local furniture makers. I wholly agreed. I also added that it was because they had no passion for what they do, and he added that because they were out to make a fast buck whatever means they could.

Passion isn't something that they teach in school, its something that radiates, which is probably why its not what everyone has. In a country where businesses are run by well dressed pot bellied men stinking of aftershave, as if an attempt to mask the stink of cigarette breath, the only passion that they seem to have is the quickest way to exploit the system for their own gain. Get a large enough number of these people holding key roles in growing sectors of the economy, and you'll be progressing at a slower than expected rate.

What I noticed, but always knew was that there is a counter-effect on every decision we make, its a yin yang thing. We can't seriously expect to get away with making a bad decision without facing the consequences be it now, or later. But of course to many, what doesn't concern them now, probably shouldn't be a concern later. While that statement itself is fallacious, it can be attributed to the skewed interpretation of living it day by day. Its important to be happy and to live for the moment, but that doesn't mean you should leave a trail of destruction while you're doing it.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

trying to live

You'd live for that smell, of exhiliration, fear and innocence.

'What is it that you're looking for? What do you think you can find here?'

Silence was like continuous laughter. The mind was like a playground: a free for all, come as you wish, take what you want and leave. It was as if he was in a state of detachment from reality as others perceived. Knowing and proving a different reality are two different things altogether. Sometimes you know that something is real, but yet there is no evidence of its existence, so others dismiss it, and eventually, so will you.

'The light...I need to find the light.'

Life is not binary. Its not always logical. Or is it? Are life decisions always answerable with binary yes/no responses? Or is there a need for more? Explanation by interrogation. Everyone needs to know what the truth is. Without truth there is no deduction, whereby there will be no conclusion. Everyone needs a conclusion at some point. People without concrete conclusions drift for extended periods without ever finding their waypoint.

'Fear will keep you alive, and you will survive.'

Losing is the not at the top of his list. Its the worst feeling there is, but the key to that is to not find it in the first place. You can't lose what you don't have, just as you can't kill what doesn't exist. By eliminating key problems at the source level, you are thus more fearless than ever. Confidence stems from a mixture of fearlessness, foresight, assimilation and empathy. Go anywhere. Do anything.

'Once you're done. Do it all over again.'

The theory is that once you have every item in your checklist in order, disorder automatically steps in to ensure that you are never really done, you are just merely forced to make a new list, and if you don't, then you have done nothing at all.

Welcome to real life. Everyone complains that their life is complicated, but thats the way it is. If you let petty things stand in your way of true greatness complications will always be present. Everyone is destined for something great, the ability to bring that out is the ultimate challenge. Challenge your minds to think differently, to think more, to stay put less, to set goals and accomplish them systematically, and enjoy the journey because there is nothing like it.

'Figure out what is important to you.'

Monday, December 06, 2004

not poetry, not haiku

Sore, blistered hands I sit and type,
a good weekend, a great day, I might,
relocate and find the light,
that went missing amidst all the hype.

No words can express how I feel,
what a cliched, cliched deal,
there's a word for everything,
or a phrase with similar meaning.

I'm radiating with a certain energy,
lethargy is all behind me,
I need some sleep, but yet I don't,
its a waste of time so that I won't.

My head is filled with grooves and joints,
a massive puzzle from any viewpoint,
a giant problem with multiple solutions,
but there can only be one conclusion.

What is real, and what is not?
What is vague, and what is hot?
What do I mean by 'what is hot'?
Its nothing, I just needed to rhyme with 'not'.

If something comes up thats my wish,
I hope it comes up before my dish,
dinner that is, in case you were wondering,
nothing to say, nothing to sing.

Here ends the transmission of the day,
removing excess electrons, thats my way,
the blog is like a memory dump,
just have to steer clear of the slump,
if for a living, this I do,
that'd worry both me and you.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

happy - shiny - people

Not too long ago I went for a regular blood test, and not too long after, I got my results. Its funny how little things in life really do affect the results at the end of the day. I'm generally healthy although I expected myself to perform above par, I didn't. This reminded me of my academic years when I'm just skimming on the borderline, somehow that always seemed to be the case as it is now. I have to watch out for only 2 things, uric acid, and cholesterol. These items were skimming at point something pass the average, so it should be manageable. However I don't want it to be an inherent genetic trait since some of my family members are suffering from bouts of gout. But its good to be in pain sometimes, I always say, as some of you may know, the pain keeps you alive.

Cholesterol was a strange thing though, since I watch what I eat most of the time, but I guess its residual, I just have to work a little harder, a little longer, and stick to my plan of being faster, stronger and better. That brings me to a question that many ask: How do you define beautiful?

I have this generic answer regarding beauty, its not merely surface level, its about character, its about chemistry, its about attraction. Thats why it is diffcult to define what is indeed beautiful, since it encompasses many of the traits that are subjective, because that is what truly counts. Beauty is also about poise and how one handles his/herself. If you know that something is not right, you don't do it, its a state of mind that is aware of the way you act/react, the way you dress, and how you affect the people around you. The other day as I was driving I suddenly cringed, and it wasn't because I was having early symptoms of gout, there was an extremely obese woman who was wearing a really short skirt that just dashed across the front of my car *as* I was driving around a corner. I can only remember the horror of her cellulite formations on her thighs that was like a triglyceride waterfall of death. I could feel my stomach acids go a notch higher and any more, I would have orally expelled toxins from my body in an uncontrollable fashion.

So after I got my test results today, I have decided that it still holds true, the fact that beauty is how one carries oneself, and how you affect the people around you. But I add one more thing, its about health. Its about how you take care of your body, and if you are actually doing something about it to make yourself look and feel better.

This is not an attack on fat people, really. I'm not perfect anyhow, what I'm saying is, a) Dress appropriately (Don't let innocent people like me cringe while driving, it elevates accident rates), b) If you know you're not exactly fit, do something about it (Go to the gym, take a walk, in a tracksuit, and do some cardio), c) Don't walk in front of a moving vehicle like you owned the road (That is self-explanatory, I think). This is generally an attack on the abovementioned person, who encompassed all 3 of the above traits. I think I wouldn't have minded as much if she didn't sprint in front of my car, that is a total disregard of basic traffic rules, and I would think that if she has that mentality then she'll be treating everyone with the equal amount of disrespectfulness, if there is even such a word.

So there you have it, just 3 simple things that can make anyone become truly beautiful. I wouldn't have it any other way.

The thrill of quality equipment

I've always had a fascination with high tech equipment especially if it relates to my line of work. But it is difficult to define what kind of stuff that you can, should or need to use because the longer you think about it, the more you think you'd need it.

I recently procured some exceptionally interesting equipment that I will put to serious test come this weekend, that's what's keeping me alive at the moment. Firstly, yesterday I collected 2 Half-Jacket replacement lenses. It actually didn't cross my mind that my Half-Jackets had interchangeable lenses, how silly of me, here I was wondering how I ought to get my hands on some cheaper Oakleys, and this was the best option to have crept up unexpectedly. I purchased a Clear, and High Intensity Yellow XLJ Lens.

My fascination with Oakley eyewear was years ago when I was still in college. There was something unusual about the way they made stuff, from their radical designs to their sensible features that you can't find elsewhere. When it boils down to the end of the day, its all about precision optics, and the fact that not everyone is too concerned about it. As for me I wouldn't spend money on eyewear that doesn't have optically sound characteristics, just as I view most designer eyewear.

Fast forward to the present, I found myself working at my currently large carpentry workshop (which will soon be downsized to another smaller location in a matter of months, so I'm enjoying it while it lasts), more and more often. When you're working with power tools and basically a wealth of hazardous equipment, its generally a good idea to have some good equipment going for you. I had disasterous experiences toying with cheap machinery that nearly killed me, and that's not any way to regret later in life. So of course wearing goggles is one of the prerequisites, of course after a while I didn't wear any except my specs because a)the plastic goggles (RM5) fogged up constantly, b)distorted my vision at the edges and c)were seriously uncomfortable for long periods. Recently I resorted to wearing my Half-Jacket, although it had Black Iridium lenses so it got pretty dark most of the time, which is also a bad idea.

Oakley uses Plutonite(R) lenses that are optically superior, blocks all UV rays and blue light, and is impact resistant, generally the qualities that you would seriously appreciate once they become relevant to what you do. Browse through the Oakley site to find out more, I feel the same way about their products now as I did years ago, its not about fads, its about equipment that works.

The second item that I am anxious to test drive is my Bosch GCM10S Slide Mitre Saw. This is one sweet piece of machinery: 1800 watts of pure power rotating a 254mm circular blade at 4600rpm! This is going to be my new baby. Also purchased as an industrial strength vacuum cleaner so at least now I can practise my 5S's of cleanliness and orderliness in my workplace.

Its slightly frustrating how you can't get much information about power tools over here. I called Bosch the other day with some questions regarding their tools prior to purchase, and they actually couldn't help me at all. Makes me wonder why they have a dedicated Customer Service Hotline in the first place? All the attendant could say was, please go to one of our dealers. But I can't help it, Bosch does make some of the finest equipment around, and their warranty policy is the best I've ever encountered. Regardless though, its amazing how much you have to put up with in this country to get things done right.

Friday, November 26, 2004

If only there was a CSU

'All units on channel three-zero, this is your commander speaking, get ready to rock and roll.' Static. Out.

0423hrs. The air was dense early at dawn. The morning breeze added an unnerving chill factor. The men were ready, adrenalin pumping through their veins, awaiting drop-off and further instructions. Kevlar vests, neoprene gloves and their semi-auto rifles close to them for security. The cold steel of brushed gun metal a comforting piece of equipment. This was going to be just like all the other days, it was going to be fast, really fast, and then it will be done before they knew it. The choreography was like a synchronized dance, and they have perfected their moves. 'We ought to get medals for this,' he thought.

0428hrs. The doors of the carrier van swung open as they swiftly moved out and in place. Its funny how being covert meant that they had to emblazon CSU on their backs that stuck out like a deer in the middle of the expressway.

'Commander, the tracer is completed, we have locked on to the source location, we are sending the co-ordinates to your screen now.'

'I've got you now,' he murmured to himself.

'Gentlemen, our intel tells us that there are at least 5 personnel at the target location. We go in hard, we do it fast, just like every other time. Our orders are - shoot to kill. Let's get these sombitches!'

Fzzt. 'Unit two, proceed with caution, unidentified personnel three o'clock', 10 metres.'

The men lined up on both sides of the door. Rifles armed, ready to fire. They took a moment to compose themselves. Unit three lined the door with plastic explosives. One...two...three. Detonation and the door blasts open inwards.

'CSU! You are not going anywhere!' They opened fire the moment they stormed in, destroying computers and cabinets. Sparks flew, and some of the light fixtures exploded. The firing continued, short sharp screams, followed by gunfire, followed by silence.

0435hrs. In one of the hallways, a man took cover, and then fled. 'Sir, we got a runner. Runner at 9 o'clock, heading east of the building!'
'Take him down unit two, don't let him get away.' Fzzt.
Unit two gave chase, the runner was in his line of sight after about 50 metres, so he opened fire. The recoil of the semi automatic fought with the strength of his arms in an attempt to keep steady. Armor piercing bullets just tore through the runner, splatters of crimson red spewing forth from his abdomen as he collapsed.
'Sir, runner is down. Target is secure.'
'Good work unit two. All units, stand down, location is secure. Mission completed.'

Unit three walked up to unit two as he took off his mask and comms, perspiration beading from his forehead, hair soaked in a messed-up look. 'Can't let these buggers get away.'
'Damn straight. We gotta do what we gotta do.' 0443hrs.

Once again the Counter Spam Unit has completed another successful mission. Their objective is simple. Find the source of origin of all spam e-mails, and viruses, and eliminate the source through whatever means necessary. Only then will we be safe.

Because we don't need cheap prescription drugs, penile enlargements, or any reason to enter our bank info for 'verification' you bunch of sickos.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Dressing the part

'Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.' - Donald Trump

I decided to test out this theory about dressing up this week, so for most of you who have seen me during office hours or just simply working, you would've spotted me with at least a long sleeve shirt, tie and some nice pants. These are not necessarily very dressy items, nor are they over the top expensive, but it's a shift away from my regular mobile pant khakis, running shoes and a polo tee, or sometimes a t-shirt even, with the reasoning that I have a shirt and a jacket in the office for meetings, which are rarely used either.

So, how much really, does a fitting working shirt, a nice silk tie, italian fabric pants, and a pair of italian leather shoes, affect your image? Lots, that's what. Somehow dressing up changes your perception, professionalism, and outlook. Its material self enhancement through personal betterment and social perception.

For example yesterday I walked into a pathology clinic just to get a regular blood test, I was greeted, entertained, while the other people who came in were virtually ignored. That was pretty evident. Anyhow, I directed the attendant's attention to the one next in line, a, ahem, pretty cute girl, since I wasn't in a hurry, plus all she wanted were some quotes anyway. Nice shift of power, relish the moment.

On saturday however I will be going the other way, in my old jeans, an old t-shirt and a cap, perhaps, working in my workshop. Its funny how when you stink and when you're coated in sawdust even the people in the coffee shops ignore you. But its good to be able to switch roles without question, its a whole different level of understanding of how things work around here.

Friday, November 19, 2004

The inability to lift

Let me introduce you to something that had been introduced to me just yesterday, it is a programme called BodyPump. So what we have here is 2 energetic instructors, Juliette and Cindy, armed with a barbell and an assortment of weights, aim to seriously punish you for that dessert indulgence you knew you shouldn't have had, because now that they're here, you'll pay.

Their MO is simple, and holds true for most dual-instructor-led classes, there's always a good cop, and there's a bad cop. The good one always comes first, so warm up was pretty intense, but bearable, I knew it had to be worse, and it did. Welcome, Juliette - the 'Come on, you can do it, you're doing great, feel it burn, just three more, how about another three for me, I lost count, lets start from one, haha, its good for you' girl.

I swear I can almost feel my tendons snapping - just that its not medically possible. I think its not medically proven yet, that's all. The worst thing is actually the morning after, and everyone knows this. Its like a good hangover, but I'm walking like a cramped zombie and I can't lift my arms past 90 degrees.

Don't expect me to wave anytime today.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

The benefits of change

Very recently did my water heater went bust. Its surprising how I take some things for granted. But I think everyone does this, I've been quite considerate on most matters. But living without hot water, or water at all, since the mains went through the heater, was not at all bad. I had to go back to the old bucket and pail system, and it was fun. It reminded me of my simple past, way before there was a shower in my house. Those were the times I'd wake up early in the morning before school, and on most occassions mom will get some hot water in the pail, which was nice.

It definitely was simpler times. Responsibilities were limited to the brown exercise books and the repetitive contents that had to be entered, and little else, actually. Dinner was never any fancy nutritionally engineered, low fat, balanced diets, it was macaroni in ikan bilis soup, or steamed egg with rice, or on a good day, fried fish, which was always exciting.

Just yesterday they came and replaced the heater with a new one, which coincidentally matched the color of my walls. Its fantastic of course, with several new enhancements, real regulated heat(as compared to the 'iffy' thermostat on the old one), and 6 shower modes. In some time to come, I just hope that I don't forget my simpler past.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Nothing changes

The worst thing about emotional highs is the absolute lows,
you go around changing things,
you meet different people,
you do different things, be a different person,
and you come back to this.

Things don't dissolve instantly,
it never goes away.
Its like the effervescent tablet,
you just have to wait.

But what am I waiting for?
Nothing. Really.

I'm back in square one, in the same place,
I'm not going anywhere.
I need to find more things to do,
this doesn't cut it.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Sydney Photos!

Hello folks, finally I've scanned a few of my favorite Sydney photos, the film photos turned out a lot better than the digital ones, but of course! Anyway its located in my multiply site coz I dont have the time to make a separate site. They're not sorted in any order as well, so you could be jumping from one place to another, but thats the fun part of travelling isn't it?

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

How bad is bad?

It started like a bad week: lack of sleep, lack of interest and the desire to get things in order. Chaos was the rule of the day, which lasted several days, until the realization that it was the essence of the country - we are essentially living in chaos.

Just as I came back and started driving again, it reared its ugly head almost immediately, and within 2 hours I was being all I can be, a truly Malaysian driver, driving offensively, defensively, all with a clear head and a foul mouth. It was multitasking at its best, an orchestra of chaos, and I loved it. It was good to be back!

So my first orders of the day, or rather, disorder to be exact, was to clear up the backlog that extended 2 weeks back since I left, find a set of missing keys that I seemed to misplace, and to deal with filing a claim for my sister's recent car accident. The backlog went fairly well, and I managed to keep everything in check. It was surreal to be back in my workplace and feeling like it was home. It *was* home, but it just felt too comfortable to be true, you know? Coz I was hoping I'd never come back here, but I did, and it wasn't so bad.

Secondly were the missing keys. I had to backtrack events and things I did, and still couldn't figure out where the keys went. It consisted of 2 very important keys, one was an override to the magnetic security lock, and another was access to the safe. The anxiety could have killed me, but thinking over and over again bore no results, so in the end I just called up the security people and asked them to change the lock as a preventive measure. Its funny how solutions like that doesn't present itself when you're thinking too hard about it. But anyway today, almost 24 hours after the search, I found it in my jacket, and I called up the security people again to see if they were on their way, apparently the report wasn't even filed in yet. Cheers for incompetence! So all ends well.

Thirdly, filing a claim. That required filing a police report in the first place. I won't go into details, but the level of corruption was way beyond alarming. If you wanted something done, even with the protocol flowchart printed on the wall, you'd have to pay up. If not you'd just be shifted further and further into the backlog. Or they'd just ask you to come back another day. It was unacceptable, and being a smart-ass doesn't get you anywhere, even though I knew all the procedures and the sections of the law, it got you - nowhere. Welcome to my country.

The day is coming to a rainy end, its dark out, and the weather's great if there's no traffic, but of course there is. For everyone that thinks that waiting till the traffic eases, someone else within a 10 metre radius will think the same thing, and you'll most likely run into them on the way back, so just hope that they don't cut you off and give you the finger. That will just make a 'not-so-bad' day into a bad day, and we don't need none of that.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

The lethargy of vacation

Disappearing is a magical thing for more reasons than one. I went away for 2 weeks, and I'd like to think that I made the best of my time while I was away, and when I came back everything seemed to be so much smaller, and yet so vivid. It was strange as I strolled into my room that I hadn't seen and realized how everything seemed different. Sleeping in different places for most of the time does that to you I suppose, and once you're home, its hard to imagine that you are.

Throughout this trip I've met a lot of people, it didn't surprise me though, since my objective was to meet people, I talked to people on the plane, met some new friends, and some old ones as well. Even though I dreaded that it had to end, I was in a way, ecstatic as well, to get back to work, you know? I woke up this morning feeling like a million bucks, and just strolling down the corridors into my office and just got right onto it. Its a great feeling to be back with a different perspective and plenty of memories.

Photography there was...well, let's just say it wasn't my best work, but that wasn't my plan anyway, I was there to enjoy myself and not to think so much, so that was done, and I'm happy. I took loads of photos though, but I just went through some of the digital ones and I'm not too happy about most of them. The skies were particularly overcast on most of the days I was there, which perhaps contributed to the lack of lighting, but ah well, memories nevertheless.

I'm still feeling pretty lethargic, not having enough rest throughout the whole trip does that to you. I couldn't sleep anyhow, since I kept waking up early. Probably it was the enthusiasm that is associated with being in a different place. I have that when I'm doing something different, or when I'm on vacation, so sleep seems rather redundant. But of course, the price will almost always be paid later.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Emergency skydiving lessons

If there were such a thing as adapting to change, I would probably suck at it. As much as I'd like to believe that I do that easily, the truth is I can't. Its a very subjective thing though, sometimes adapting is the easiest thing in the world for me in certain situations, especially when you know you're in control. I hate instances where you aren't, and flying is one of them.

Sure you can follow the little pictures in the brochures in the seat but the reality is if something goes wrong, then something does go wrong. I've always wondered why they never issued parachutes to passengers in planes, coz you know, that would really save a lot of people, but as I was thinking about it, a few scenarios can come to mind, first, not everyone is a skydiver, I know I'm not, but I guess if you're desperate enough you will become a skydiver. Second, if you land in some secluded jungle, or the in the middle of the ocean, God forbid, then who is coming to pick you up? You could pull a 'Survivor' and live off a small island, hmm, come to think of it that sounds like fun. Lastly, I think the airlines are not going to be liable for parachute-induced deaths, since there are so many factors, you know - like being sucked into the turbine, which would really make matters a lot more difficult to handle.

If it was me though, the only hand carry I'd bring is a parachute. But I doubt they'd let you go crazy on the emergency doors at any time though. Darn. Well, at least I know I won't land in a jungle somewhere and get eaten by tigers.

In the meantime, hope there is sufficient in-flight entertainment, little turbulence, and ultra-compact airplane food. Chicken or fish sir? Dhuck, please(with an indian accent).

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

The smell of Amber

Its been a great birthday, since I wasn't exactly expecting anything, it turned out much better than a regular day, which was a good thing. The day started at about 7, which was surprising considering the night before I was out at the Thai Club, where the gender of this really gorgeous dancer was supposedly questionable, I foresaw no flaws, but it was difficult to tell since they were lip synching, it was difficult to tell otherwise either, perhaps she was just eye-candy.

The next morning I woke up without a hangover, but with some signs of fatigue. They say that fatigue kills, and I was on the edge I think, several nights of tossing and turning doesn't help either, but I'm not doing anything to fix it since I am going on holiday soon and I need to be on my toes, which means waking up at 6 just to catch the perfect sunrise, etc etc. I rarely like sleeping when I'm away, such a waste, I think.

Shopping was fun, mingling amidst the aunties and uncles getting up early to get groceries and the occassional stare, smile or smirk of my seemingly misplaced locale, I'm used to that. My hair was a mess though, and I looked like I had a hangover, I just had too little sleep, but I went on with business. I always fume that there is a distinct lack of fresh produce, perhaps its just where I live. But one of the reasons why I resort to getting produce from KLCC is that the quality of meats there is somehow fresher. Its the packing methods I think, nowhere else that I have seen can you get a chunk of garoupa still fresh and firm. Head down to the Giant near my office and the stench of decaying fish will put you off almost immediately.

Hauling almost 10kilos of food 7 floors up would be my workout for the morning. I could have waited for the lift that never came, but I thought some exercise would be good. Actually it wasn't 10kilos of pure food, I had jars and other stuff which sadly were never used.

There is one thing about preparation that is very calming, very relaxing. The most memorable moment is when you are doing that with someone, and not saying anything, just preparing food, its very therapeutic. Thats good for an old soul, I think. It helps to get by another day.

I just got the best smelling shower foam yesterday, its called Amber from L'Occitane, and it just smells so delicious. The smell lingers for quite long and I like that. Its like...caramel, and a hint of oak.

Today I'm just feeling mellow, its one of those relaxing days, but I have a few things at the back of my mind. I guess I always have things at the back of my mind so thats not one of those things that is ever going to change. I just hope I have a good trip without any lost luggages or anything of that sort.

Friday, October 15, 2004

5 minute meal

I just made myself the fastest most delicious sandwich in under 5 minutes. I call it the Pesto Sausage Sandwich.

You will need: Bread, Sausage, Sun dried tomatoes, Pesto sauce.

Slice sausages diagonally, bake till slightly browned, slice sun dried tomatoes into thin strips, add to sandwich, top off with pesto sauce and baked sausages, enjoy!

I feel like making duck now, haven't done that before, but I have my cooking moods, and this is one of those, good for hungry people!

Thursday, October 14, 2004


I just, finally, after such a long time, 2003 in fact, I updated my photolabs site. Well, I realized the other day when I was distributing my name cards that I didn't know quite which one to give to people. Well in the end I decided to reprint my cards with some extra details, I should be expecting it tomorrow. Perhaps I should have like a museum of name cards coz I've been having all these identities ever since I was in school. Hehe, except now its for real. Really. Honest.

Oh by the way the page can be viewed here.

I came up with the idea of BLVK after a pretty long time thinking about it. For the third time, its pronounced as 'block', but it has a decaying sense of spelling error, I experimented with a few alternatives for block, like 'bloque' in spanish, but that seemed too vogue, and there's nothing vogue about carpentry. But I didn't want something too crass either, so I went for something that was slightly more upmarket, something fashionable, and BLVK happened.

For the longest time I wondered why companies like bulgari and bellasarius switched the u for a v in their logos or names in fact, and so I did some research about it. Apparently its proper Latin to do so. Latin was created approximately 753BC and its based on the Etruscan alphabet, which in turn was derived from Greek. Back then 'v' stood for u, v and w, and the u and w were only added in the middle ages to distinguish it from v. So thats why! And now you know something new, if you didn't know that already.

As for me, there are 3 things going on:
1. Tonight I have to head to the Pharmacy in Bangsar to really check out the nurses that serve alcoholic beverages. Who needs hospitals??
2. I have to decide on what to do this Friday, because I want to celebrate, but I don't want anything large scale, actually I don't mind, but someone has to pay for large scale. So ultimately it might turn up to be small scale, or no scale at all, it all depends. Yes, by replacing ignorance and lack of planning, I have turned it into a mysterious party. Woo! Don't know if anything's gonna happen, but keep your fingers crossed!
3. I really ought to start packing for my Aussie trip. Now! I am getting excited. Just a week ago I wasn't even thinking about it. Too much work I suppose, but now that all the work is almost done, as what they say in Cantonese, 7788, I am feeling much more relieved, and ready to go. Travel light! Thats the key.

Thats all for now. Anyone interested in participating for the above 3 events feel free to ring me. Toodles!

Monday, October 11, 2004

Monday, October 04, 2004

clueless realism

rocks and more rocks ahead, it seems,

a winding path without straight lines,

forcedly mysterious, with light as hope,

navigating with caution.

reminded of the glory days,

thoughts rare, experiences vast,

experimental innocence,

detached from the primary earth.

what of reality, when it is made,

not lived. but what is real?

finding answers to thin air,

hope ends somewhere.

searching with less enthusiasm,

appears realistic, yet surreal,

until truth is found,

or finally understood.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Quick thinking, Sherlock

It had felt like dawn, and that seemed to have happened the past few days ever since the weather turned for the worse, but out of all the bad days, today was slightly, significantly better. It wasn't much to be celebrated, although celebration was in order to skip the void of the eternal numbness of familiarity. Everything felt the same, just different props that changes with each separate scene, and each scene slowly adding up to the chapter of the story of what would eventually be called my life.

Words marked in a new sketch book, prim and proper, single white sheets of premium paper, an empty canvas prepared for greatness and beyond, and thus an understated responsibility to create. Creation wasn't done in a day, it was done in a moment of truth. Truth from observation, a solution to a problem that nobody saw. That is what creativity is about. You have different types of creativity, redundant and otherwise, streamlined or unfocused. It really depends on what the goal is about.

Some things are always at the back of the mind, it is like a flesh wound you desperately want to heal despite your best efforts, and when it is nearing its end curiousity picks at it and square one is reached. Thoughts are like that, except that the scarring is worsened by memory. We have the innate ability to link things together, us humans with our six degrees of separation. Ever since we realized the discovery of what I call urban yoga and its ethical notion that everything comes a full circle we have just blatantly misused it for pointless marketing campaigns and strategic product placements. But indeed everything does, we have known it for centuries, and yet we realize it now, but yet it doesn't serve us the way it should have.

It seemed like a deserted part of town. Everyone has retreated back to shelter, and perhaps that is a wise choice. A storm is coming, and there will be no hiding from it. Perhaps it is our nature to do what comes to mind naturally - head to the nearest bar and drink till the rain stops. The funny thing is it hasn't even begun to rain yet. So much for personal development!

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Practical performance

Every once in a while comes something new, yet old. It is the paradox of our times, and it is one that aids a great marketing campaign. So, here is the million dollar question, what do you get when you merge sensible safety, tested performance and cutting edge styling?

The answer is simple: A superfly ride.

Welcome to the renewed world of Volvo. They made a comeback with the XC90 SUV, with many regarding it as the finest in its class ever built, and they are coming up to claim the younger segment with the all new 2005 S40.

Many years ago the young and hip crowd would have moved away from these 'old-timers', but now there are 2 schools of thought. The first one is that old is gold, vintage is in, and for some reason it is now sought after, the second one is, if you want to stay alive, reinvent yourself, just don't lose your values. Volvo went with the latter. Which wasn't very difficult to do, since they had a tried and tested thing going for them - safety. The list of safety features will surpass any of the Mickey Mouse advertising campaigns from their Japanese counterparts. Come on, I couldn't believe it when Toyota made an ad for ABS, in an apparent move to educate consumers about the safety features on Toyota cars. ABS, airbags, traction control systems, ventilated disc brake? That kind of technology has been around for years! Anyone watching some WRC can tell you that.

So back on track, the 2005 S40 is completely redesigned, stiffer chasis, more features, etc. You can go read it on the main website, but I'll just run through the more prominent ones. The new S40 is quite similar to the S60 in terms of styling. The rear lamps have been redesigned, the body is swept back and more dynamic, the front gets the new Volvo treatment, no protruding parts to minimize injuries in case of accidents. It is shorter, wider, taller. With the inclusion of the optional Sport kit, and some 18" rims, xenon headlamps, and the factory sub with amps and 12 speakers, you definitely have a superfly ride. Volvo knows this as well, check out the snappin' 30 second commercial with Kanye West and Dilated Peoples. Street tested, parent approved.

Interior wise, the 1" slim centre control panel is the highlight, and of course one of the selling points. This is just awe inspiring, and would definitely go well with your new G5 iMac at home. There is something about slim suspending pieces of technology. It isn't something that is extraordinary, I thought if it before, the idea really, is to eliminate space that would normally be covered with cheap plastic fittings, and free up that space for storage. They could have gone a step further and integrated an iPod dock in some Apple tie-up, but you know, can't ask for too much when they're trying their best.

The thing about the new S40 is that it resembles a Saab 9-5, in my opinion. Performance comes in a 2.4 variant, and a 2.5 T5 turbocharged unit. that's a 168bhp or 218bhp available to you. With that much power, you seriously want to know that you're safe. The T5 version goes one up, in case you were interested in an AWD unit. But of course you are. Who doesn't want superior road handling?

Well, a new breed has arrived. The S40 offers much more in a complete package that it is beyond comprehension why I would consider a lower end BMW or Audi for that matter. I am not drawn by only name, but by features and specifications. We are a new breed of shoppers, and more and more corporations are realizing that.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Personal space invasion

Living in an urban landscape is certainly a lot more different, a lot more complex than the simple life, at least, the 'perceived simple life', since I am from the city to begin with. People are less trusting, more suspicious, and are generally very much to themselves. We call this illusion 'personal space'.

We all have a lot of personal spaces that we choose to share with people, or not, but just like vampires, must be granted permission to enter. Not everyone freely welcomes strangers, and if you picked up the newspapers recently, you have a darned good reason why you shouldn't. Its all about survival. We are living in an age of increased risk, and although death is inevitable, most sensible adults will try their best to avoid confrontational situations, or the act of endangering one's life. Plus your insurance does not cover these things in a section labelled 'Stupidity.' Such is the life of an urban dweller.

A few days ago this week, I was doing my shopping at Carrefour. After a long day's work, naturally you'd feel tired, blur, and there is some stress to be relieved. Passing by the arcades I was wondering if I should have a go at the new Time Crisis machine. Mmm, if only the guns were of real weight, recoiled like a real gun and left gunpowder residue when you're done, I would have had a go. Actually those features would've prevented a lot of kids from playing these things. But that is another story.

On the way back to my car I was approached by an elderly couple. Well, it was an old woman and a younger man, so naturally I was suspicious. I wasn't in a mood to listen to someone going on about how 'gamat' is good for your health, or anything along those lines. I remembered murmuring, if that was all I remembered, because they seemed to be a blur. But anyway I later found out that they needed help jump starting their old car. Yet I was skeptical. But I nodded and said I'll put my stuff in my car first. I waited for something to happen - like some guy springing out from the back seat to rob me. I was prepared since I have 2 weapons in my car anyway. Nothing happened. How interesting.

So once I was done, I pushed their car out of the lot, and the man just jump started it as I was pushing it along a long stretch. It started pretty quickly. Toyotas, man, they do make some good cars. In fact I didn't know his engine had already started, it was pretty quiet, but I was expecting a thundering engine much like my Beetle. But anyway he thanked me and left. Nothing happened.

Which was interesting, because I felt good about helping out someone, but on the other hand thought that if I hadn't been as skeptical, I would've felt better, at least, made them feel better. Then while playing the scene in my head again on the drive back, I figured out what the woman was saying, she asked me if I could help her push their car out and jump start it, they have been waiting in the car park for some time and nobody helped. Tens of shoppers, not one willing to help. I find that rapidly disturbing. Perhaps they thought, someone else will come along to help, or they all thought the same urban thought, 'stay away from me, I don't want any trouble.'

Such is life on the urban landscape, and everyone will have to live with it. No matter how much you want to promote closer ties, or community programmes, we will never readily accept strangers with an open heart. Not when you get your papers in the morning and face another new massacre each day. If you can't assimilate, I suppose the only thing to do is retreat to a farm and keep your cow friends happy.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Is it cold, or is it just me?

Throughout the entire duration of the Olympics I've only managed to catch a basketball game, part of a synchronized swimming act, and the finals for the volleyball game. Now that its over, I wished I had the time to watch more of it. The opening and closing ceremonies were always my favorite, especially the closings, I think, where you can really feel the whole sombre mood knowing that in a few hours it will all be over, not for another four years at least.

The strangest thing would be the synchoronized swimming though. Now this oddity started in Canada in the 1920s (insert favorite Canadian joke here), where points are awarded on difficulty level, execution, innovation, grace and lack of effort. Yes, you have to look like you aren't putting any effort into it, because if you look like you're struggling, no points for you!

Which explains the weird parts of synchronized swimming. Gelatin, and waterproof make-up. The gelatin keeps their hair in place, while the waterproof make-up ensures that they don't appear pale after holding your breath forever underwater.

What I don't understand is why they have to a) Grin like monkeys, and b) Walk like androids.

I never liked fake smiles, but it seems to be a regulation to be grinning ear to ear for the entire duration. That is not natural, and more than that, that is just plain scary. If you wanted a scary movie, you just need to put a couple of these synchronized swimmers in an old house and they'll just be chasing you around grinning, not saying anything.

In a way I think that's where I get freaked out, they remind me of clowns. Since they are smiling all the time, and you know that its fake, sometimes their lack of enthusiasm might be mistaken for evil. Its easy to give an evil smile, and its worse when you have a whole group of people doing the exact same thing. I can imagine them chanting, 'We are all a same brain, we think alike. Do not annoy us, we will kill you. You cannot stop us, if you kill us, and we will just spawn more. Give up now.'

That just gives me the chills, and its not even Winter Olympics yet.

Friday, August 20, 2004

Slightly enlightened

i peek through the cracks in the fence,
flashing vertical streams of light and color,
i wonder if it is real,
the intensity makes me dizzy.
too bright, too fast.
i see life, just nanoseconds of it,
happiness, sadness. mostly good.
it smells of soggy timber,
not unpleasant, strangely calming,
i am happy once again,
happier if the dizziness ends.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Searching for a coherent answer

Its a never-ending cycle. I sit there with a piece of paper and a pen, and then ideas start to formulate in 3D. Then for days or weeks I'll be running through the design plan over and over again. There is much to ponder, whether its feasible, whether my current tools can support it, whether it will be able to withstand abuse, and what kind of problems that I may face while I'm doing it, and most important of all, is it ergonomically correct. At the end of the day, the finalized draft will become something that has been simplified, but not because it is easier, but because it is more efficient.

It is never easy to work with heavy duty logs, but just make sure that everything goes as smoothly as possible, that's my goal. The most disappointing moment is probably when you're doing something and one of the grooves split, or you accidentally cut the wrong area, and realize that that's done, and you have to start all over again. Of course, with this kind of work, fatigue sets in after a couple of hours, and then I start hitting my own fingers with the hammer. Its not fun but hey, at least I know when I ought to stop working.

The final draft, the single most important drawing, denotes what the final outcome should be. This is the work of several weeks of thinking, several months of training and experience, and may seem like there's nothing to it, but to me, its an engineering feat accomplished in my head. Perhaps this is what its about - breaking down various problems until they become a single, coherent answer that still requires laborous work, but once you are done with it, you can marvel at the fact that a conclusion has been reached.

To me, that means a lot more than just assembling furniture from Ikea. Which is the reason why no 2 projects are ever alike. They are solutions to a problem, and everyone is different. As a philosopher once said that the same person can be different at different times of their lives, making 2 of the same project would most definitely mean that the second one will never have the thrill of discovery, anticipation, and triumph as the first.

The search will never end, as curious souls we are constantly asking, constantly searching. This is the essence of life, it has been unchanged for centuries, we shouldn't be resting now.

Monday, August 16, 2004

when swayed, improvise.

'Good morning Mr.Tan, your saw is ready for collection.'

That's about the best thing you can hear on a bluesy Monday morning that you think is going to suck. And it gets better - got into the office, heated up 2 of the world's best egg tarts for breakfast, made some of that arabica coffee, and everything was just perfect.

My bench project is sorely overdue, just because of mechanical glitches I wasn't able to do anything about it last weekend, but you know, I've come to realize that everything does happen for a reason, whether you swear, or you mope, or think, or react, or choose not to react on it, it will happen, and there is nothing you can do about it, but move on. Improvise. Such a powerful word when you think about it, but yet, so little practised. However if everyone chose to be intelligent, you're going to just have similar problems at a different level.

The weather today was fantastic, cloudy, cool, and drizzling. Well, as long as it doesn't rain, I ought to figure that its a great day. While I was a the Bosch service centre, I picked up a brochure and there was this other drop saw that I wanted, at a promotional rate. Hmm, so tempting. Doesn't hurt that they're gonna throw in 12 cans of 100Plus, which I thought was quite strange. Did they think that we're going to be doing laborous work so we had to replace lost fluids? Anyhow, a couple of drinks never hurt anyone. Plus, included in the promotion, was the option to purchase a grinder at a reduced rate.

The measure of great advertising is to offer people what they want, with additional options that they may just want to pick up just because it sounds too good to be true. Just like how frankly I don't need a grinder at all, but somehow, I'm sold to the idea.

I'll let it pass, because as a consumer, that's the right thing to do. For now at least.

Work with what you got. Improvise.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

the martini factor

It was a night of nights out. Meant to be nothing more than just a casual dinner, but of course when you are in the company of a few japanese clients, it is never really just a casual dinner. In any case I wasn't dressed to the nines, and I wasn't exactly in the mood to be doing so. I just looked forward to going home, getting some sleep and perhaps listening to some music, missing out on all the potential fun I might have. And of course that was not to happen.

We ended up at one of the supposedly respectable Latin bars where they served cigars and wines and played a mix of latin jazz and more upbeat salsas. Qba at the Westin had a good feel to it, the ambience was dim, classy, sophisticated, and the senoritas serving you were, well, calientes! As we sat us down, the conversation with the supposed bartender became an evident gauge of where our city was in comparison to the other developed cities such as tokyo, or new york. Now if you noticed I used the word 'supposedly' twice in respect of the bar, and the bartender. Just 2 things that you needed to do right, but sad to say, they didn't.

I've always compared our lovely city to the likes of new york, its dirty, there are various walks of life, its the center of everything you ever need to get, and the nightlife is where everything comes alive. Anyway, back to the bar - I noticed a distinct judgemental tone from the bartender, it was as if he was gauging who we were, and what we were doing. It did help that I was with japanese clients, so they mosied up oodles of respect somewhat (and this I noticed everywhere, for instance at dinner at a chinese restaurant, the service was impeccable), but it was there that his lack of knowledge on basic bar drinks, and his defiance of his lack of knowledge, made the bar look bad.

I have this theory, if you want to figure out if the bar is any good, ask for a martini. It is not the most complex drink, and it is mostly made of gin, but over here, nobody stocks up on it, and nobody knows how to make it. The key to a great martini is that it has to be served cold, really cold. I found out from one of the japanese, where we'll refer to as O, that in japan, the martini is the single most ordered drink that you need to know how to make, or it will make, or break your bar. He knows this not because he's japanese, he knows this because he owns a bar in japan. So back to our little Qba (which I just realized that it spells 'cuba'. Smart, and no I wasn't too drunk to notice), the martini they had were in the pre-mixed bottles. As the bartender proudly said, yes, we have 3 types! and O quickly retorted, ah, that's rubbish. you must make the fresh one! Indeed, if you were going to serve me a pre-mixed bottle of martini, I could've just done it at home.

At about the stroke of midnight, conversations with O turned into this informal bonding process, as we talked about love and relationships. Well, I suppose everyone does need some form of release, and I found myself turning from an unwilling participant, to a freeloading alcoholic, to a relationship counsellor. As we went through our RM-fiftysomething-a-shot rum, which was about the best drink they served, it seemed as though men, no matter how old, accomplished, or successful, were not that much different from women. At the end of the day, if you had no one to talk about your relationship problems to, who do you turn to? Most likely is the unlikeliest of people, high on rum, with a listening ear.

We walked out of Qba way past their closing time, and they were already cleaning up. Time seemed to pass really quickly. As O pondered on how ridiculous it was that they are charging fiftysomething-a-shot rums, I can't help but think that we are trying to be developed, but if you can't make a good martini, I think you still have a long way to go. As for O, I suppose he paid not only for the drinks, but for some good company. The latter, no amount of money can buy, however developed your city may be.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

je suis très bien, merci

There comes a stage in life where you're trying to figure out if you're having consecutive bad days, or if someone is really making an effort to make your life more difficult than it should be. After a brief, or sometimes prolonged tussle, most people, like me, will just give up. There is no point swimming upcurrent although there are probably hundreds of books that will advise you to do so just so that you can be what you *really* want to be.

But seriously, are we forming our thoughts and futures based on the findings and thoughts of others? Have we really ceased growing and thinking just because we have given up on it so long ago that we have forgotten about it?

Growing up in a world of MTV and some serious developments in the media, it is easy to see why we are heading towards a global position, a global thought. Sounds like a novel idea of unity, but it seems to be a more liberal form of communism, choose to do it, choose not to, its fine with us. But the thing here really is its not much of an obvious choice, but a lack of initiative on our part. I know that I wouldn't want to think about it any more than you do, but as I was sitting down thinking about where I'm really going, and what I really want. I noticed that there was a pattern, and it was a fashionable one. Have we become subconsciously trendy without even knowing it?

The way you dress. The places you go. As more outlets open to cater for *our* tastes, have they read too much into what we might like, where we might go, that we have grown accustomed to places that appeal to us? In that case, where have all the originality went? And if by recognizing true originality, are we merely just cashing in on it when it happens?

Have we stopped meaning the words 'I am fine, thank you', and replaced it with 'what do you mean you don't know what a venti cafe mocha extra shot low fat skip cream is?'

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Thinking for 20 minutes

its cold. my neck hurts. my back hurts. i should go to the gym more often. why do i have so many bills. i can't afford to pay my bills and buy these stuff. i am not buying stuff anymore. i haven't bought anything for me for ages. i dont think i can do that for some time to come. i should be doing my accounts. i have already done it. i know what i have, i know what i don't have. i know a lot of things, i wish sometimes i didn't know so much, i didn't have so much then i wouldn't have to think about the,. i need to get out of here. i need to be someplace else, i need to be doing what i wanna do. i want to be alone. i can't be alone. i hate being lonely. it sucks to not have someone. it sucks to have someone sometimes. i hate problems, problems need energy and time to solve. i dont have energy. i don't have time. why am i always busy? i hate being busy. but i hate having nothing to do either. i want to do everything for a little while. but that would just make me busy. i need to be busy doing what i like doing. i ought to swear more. i don't know if my constant politeness will turn me into a homicidal maniac in the future. why do i have these dreams. i hate violent dreams. i need to calm down and do yoga. maybe i ought to attend more of that bodybalance shit they have at the gym. i will not be one of those people who pay for the gym but never go. i love the smell of a fresh gym. fear. fear is what keeps you on your toes. why do i keep thinking of phrases like that? does it make me seem smarter, more sophisticated. screw it. i just want to be normal. i don't want a lot of things i have. i need to unload them as quickly as possible. i just need a normal life, why is that so difficult to ask. i just want things done right. i want things done my way. i don't have the strength to have it my way anymore. i have lost my confidence. i have lost my stride. i don't intend to get it back. who the fuck needs a stride anyway. i don't need to get ahead in life. i just need to get things in perspective. thats all i need, that's all i want. i have too many things in my head. i want to smash things with my stick. come and annoy me someone, why do you want to annoy me on the road, don't you know that i can cause you so much pain and trouble. don't you know that i am already in trouble, i have nothing more to lose but you have so much to lose. you don't want me to go on a rampage. do NOT annoy me or there will be consequences. i rarely joke with you i will not let it go, i remember things. it may not be now, but it will happen. cross. Cross. CROSS me. try it and see. see how it will affect you. breathe. just nice easy deep breaths. think about a happy place. a happy thought. yes that is better. but it is at the back of my mind. i hardly forget. i remember everything. that is why i can be sweet. because i feel things that nobody does. why do you think that i am not trying when i am doing my best? why do you keep wanting more from me. why is it never enough. do i really bore you? i have tried so hard, and yet you do not understand that i have. you are not interested i see, in the things that i do. why wasn't i even informed about this. why do you always make like it is okay when it isn't. you know what, fuck that shit. it isn't going to happen. this is not what i want, this is not what i signed up for. everything has been sacrificed. but that is not enough. you will regret this one day and there will be little that can be done. breathe. breathe again. this is not my concern right now. i need to get things in order. what trouble. what kind of trouble am i in, officer? what do i need to know? how do i get out of this. i hate this feeling. the lights are too bright for my liking. why do i feel fear. i have no fear. i am the all powerful one, i am confident, i walk with a stride. my stride disappeared long ago. i am now broken. just let me know what is going to happen. i need to get out of this. i hate life right now. just let it go. take me away, i don't really care right now actually. i just want to be somewhere else. why do i love you strange little girl, why do i care about you. why do i like stroking your hair. she must not be involved in this mess. she must not be in my violent thoughts. i cannot allow this to happen. breathe again. i need to just concentrate on my breathing. breathe in, breathe out. if there is anything that i can do, i would have already done it. so i can't really do much. i need to go again. i need to face fate in the face and settle a score. i am too tired to be doing this shit. this isn't my thing. i need to go sleep. i am officially...blank.

Songs in my head 2

there are times when you're alone,
and think that life is more than this,
the times you thought you'd never,
give a chance to life a miss.

there are times when you were younger,
and think that everything is hard,
and there are times you thought you'd never,
wanna go far from where you are.

in desperation, there's hope,
in frustration, there's peace,
in darkness, there's light,
but being lost is a different thing.

you can't be found if you are hiding,
you can't seek if you don't begin,
until the end of time you find,
that you are back where you began.

i gotta find out if this really is me,
i gotta know what this means to me,
its spinning too fast, not thinking straight,
not thinking at all this isn't me,
what does it mean, when you feel,
when you've lost all feeling, and told yourself,
that you just wanna be here. alone.
go away. i don't need this. take it back.
and leave me so that things can be alright.
so that i can live my life, again.

and i did. but this time, it was different,
silence amplified becomes unbearable noise,
erasing a memory is pointless,
the thoughts linger,
like tobacco aftertaste.

this is right. this is a life. my life.
i can't forget you, strange little girl.
it is alright to live again.

Friday, July 30, 2004

The darkest hour, friend for hire

Anxiety attacks are something you generally try to avoid. You experience a heightened sense of hyper-reality, everything seems more surreal, colors more vivid, and at the same time your feelings are dulled by the lack of passion, emotion, and confidence. It is like being stuck in a corner of the room with dirty white walls and palm prints of some evidently recent palm imprints of the previous man in suffering.

This has to be the absolute worst moment of my life.

It is at times like these when you have to do what's necessary to get things going your way. Friend for hire, sometimes it has to happen, most times it isn't pretty. But there is a saying that if you have a fear of darkness, and suddenly the lights are off, you seriously need to get the bulb changed, or learn to cope with the fear.

The problem is sometimes coping takes forever, and for me, I don't have forever to spare.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Living on a coupon

Its a hard and humbling period when times are bad, and these are bad times for me. Well, not to the extent that I have to sell my soul, but just enough to remind me I need to keep things in check. Which brings me to the sole saviour of needy times - the coupon.
You may scoff at these cheap printed stubs of paper, but it can do one thing most papers can't, give you real free stuff. So now let's see, what do I have - I got coupons for KFC, okay, that's great, the Isetan coupons should be able to get me some groceries over the weekend for next week, and I'm expecting more KFC altogether I ought to be having over 100 bucks worth.
I also have 2 coupons for a personal trainer at Fitness First that I haven't used yet.
Come to think of it, I can still lead a pretty normal life with coupons. Isn't that strange? I just gotta stop buying gadgets and liquor. Then I'll be just fine.

Friday, July 16, 2004

Holy cow! a metrosexual!

Well, if I hadn't known better I would immediately conjure up an image of an old perversive senile man on a subway. But it actually is a real word whose definition goes like 'a young, urban and usually heterosexual male who is concerned with fashion, food and grooming'. Now for those of you who want to be know-it-alls, its 'coined by Mark Simpson in 1994 article for The Independent', so it has been around. But the thing is, for me, it doesn't quite gel.
And especially if someone uses it to describe me.
But once the definition sets in, I think to myself. Hmm, indeed. It is true, I am that old creepy bastard then. Holy cow, I'm a metrosexual! Now I can just sit back in my newly designed studio, enjoy glasses of fine wine, whip up some gourmet tapas, play some soft Latin music and say 'sí, soy un metrosexual'. Crap.
Well , I guess it is a notch better than if someone called me a yuppie. A yuppie, on the other hand, is like a fish, trying to walk on land. Partially because it rhymes with 'guppy', and partially because I think yuppies are too caught up with adjusting to corporate ladder life they are just trying to breathe while subconsciously killing themselves because it isn't their natural environment although they pretend like it is, and while doing so think that they are above everyone else. That is *my* definition, and I'm not even going to justify looking up a real definition anywhere.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch my Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

The Lightbox Project

Current setting: An old messy storeroom.
Description: A cupboard I didn't really want, papers, dust, old boxes strewn on top of one another. Fungus and mold growing where the light doesn't shine. It is essentially a store room. Nothing more, nothing less. There is virtually no room to stand, no room to sit.
Objective: To clean up, throw away unnecessary stuff, insulate the windows, and seal the window with a custom lightbox to create an illusion of space.
The Lightbox Project: 2 plywood boards, ratio calculated, wired with 8 E14 energy saving bulbs, total energy consumption not exceeding 40Watts, and total weight not exceeding 20kgs, soldered, insulated wiring, custom paint tones, custom mounts from solid wood.
The main attraction of the entire project would definitely be the lightbox. It started almost 2 weeks ago, with procurement of raw materials, and the calculations on the drawing board. I guess it wasn't a matter of whether it can be done or not, I think that whenver I start a project, I want it to be completed, by hook or by crook. The challenges that lies ahead are the things that will consume the most time, but just as well, would be the things that I would learn most from.
I guess it was a long time coming. The store room was not supposed to be a store room at all. It was supposed to be a multi-function room, where I have my wardrobe, and there was a table where you could just have tea, or eat. But somehow it escalated to become a store room. Clothes everywhere, papers everywhere. If I was going to make it into a usable studio, it would require a lot of work. About 2 weeks worth of it, as I have discovered.
So the first thing started with the buying of plywood. There wasn't much alternatives, since I wanted something strong, light and familiar to me, so I went to one of the nearby factory/store and bought 2 pieces of it, trucked it back the my workshop, and started immediately. The plywood had to be treated first with some Wood Treatment. If not it has a tendency for termite infections, something I don't need anytime in the future.
Getting the right color tone was not easy. Selecting from a regular color chart was not an option. I wanted something bright, subtle enough, but not overly loud. And it had to complement the rest of the furniture in my apartment, and also the light that reflects off it has to be a factor as well. So I turned to the Jotun color charts (they have 10,000 combinations), and picked 2 matching ones. I wasn't about to repaint the wall for this project, I didn't want to take a month to do this, so I just went with as little work as possible.
While waiting for the wood treatment to set in, I started creating the hardwood mounts. It was quite easy with the drop saw that wasn't mine. I guess I would've taken longer if I didn't have that convenience. Anyway creating the mounts wasn't easy, since they can only be 2 inches in length, I could only use E14 mounts, not the more commonly available E27 types. And since its that small, it had a tendency to split while I'm drilling holes and making grooves in it. But anyway, that took nearly a day, and I was making them till late at night, by that time my eyes were all blur from all the sawdust and the fatigue, and the hunger. And I was just gettting started.
Painting the plywood was quite fun, it was actually relaxing. After coating with with a layer of primer, the colors turned out beautifully. Just like I expected it to be. Then came the wiring. Now that was a real killer. with 8 mounts, I needed to make sure that they were soldered, insulated, and then patched into a main wire so that they are all sharing one plug point. However, if I used regular 25W bulbs, it would run up to 200Watts. That was a bit too much, so I settled for the 5W energy saving ones, they ran cooler, and saved me some electricity. But initial investments were considerably higher.
Luckily for me, my calculations were accurate. So it ended up perfect. Oh what a great feeling that is. &

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Driving a taxi

I have this problem where I can't stick to one place at any time. So like today I was trying to hail a cab to Segambut to collect my car from the service centre, I just kept walking. It just doesn't make sense for me to stay put and hope for something to happen, so I just walk around until I see something. There was once I must have walked past 3 bus stands because there weren't any taxis, but that was so far the most extreme.

Today however, I was quite lucky to get one almost immediately, and interestingly enough, it was one of those rickety taxis. The gearbox was shot, so the gears kept recoiling, and the suspensions were...well, what suspension? But the air-con was working, so it was fine. Now, the driver...that's even more interesting. He wasn't the owner of the cab. Apparently this guy just does all the work, and at the end of the day he gives the money to the owner, who probably sits at home watching is ESPN. Poor soul.

So this guy, whose name I didn't get, was a little high-strung, so I found that slightly alarming, he talked a lot though, so that was good, coz if he was falling asleep, then I had something to worry about. But the cab was just basically going all over the place, and by that I meant that he was just cutting in and out, but he wasn't one of those asshole drivers, he had been staying up all night trying to get enough to give to the owner. Coz he had a quota of some sort. So this guy...well, he was really tired, trying to stay awake, and trying to get me to my destination. I nearly offered to drive the cab actually, I thought that would have been fun. I have this secret want, that maybe for a day in my life I want to just drive a taxi. It sounds like an interesting thing to do.

There's this new singer, Tyler Hilton, who's pretty good. Mostly guitar, slightly folksy, slightly country, slightly pop. I like it, its like something Michelle Branch would do, if she was a guy, you know. As I recently discovered, writing, composing and arranging songs is not the easiest thing to do. So, whenever I hear something good, it deserves my ultimate respect.

Monday, July 05, 2004

win some, lose some

Insomnia is one of the worst ways to spend the night. We're talking about the ability to stay awake, coupled with the disability to be productive. So I'm just tossing and turning, well, more of a lying my the side, and then lying on my back-motion, and I can't seem to get the right mood to fall asleep. But thankfully when I sleep I don't dream. I just sorta pass out till the next morning.

But it is this pre-sleep moments that I feel that life is just slowly wasting away. I am starting to write on my blogs as a means of daily closure, but most of the time right about now my brain has already completely stopped functioning altogether. This is some form of information purging motion. If only I could purge memories as well, then perhaps I would stop thinking about the past altogether, and only wonder what the future may be.

I guess I have a pretty good idea where I want it to be, or how I want it to be. Its just that, its so far away, I don't think I'm even in square one yet. That's gotta be a new low in my so-called life.

Friday, July 02, 2004

the art of rescheduling

Waking up at 6am isn't easy. In fact, its far from being even remotely funny, but the last 2 days I have been getting up at 6am. My alarm clock rings while I am driving. I find that quite sad. Well, I use the alarm on my phone, you see. Anyway the reason for this self-torturing procedure is in a name of one word that may send shivers down many a spine: Golf.

A few years ago if I remembered correctly, some friends of mine took it up. Largely, I avoided it all all cost. It wasn't exactly the most exciting thing in the world to do. And by getting up early in the morning, I still think that it isn't the most exciting thing in the world to do. I'd rather just duke it out on my N-Gage. But that's besides the point.

The point is, I have come to realize that I suck at ball games. I didn't just miraculously realize this, I had known it all along. But this time, I can honestly say that yeah, my sense of coordination, is just out of whack. Hitting a 100 balls at the driving range is easy, it builds up a good sweat and by the end of the basket you just wanna finish it and head home. The difficult part is hitting it 'right'.

There is a way to stand, there is a way to swing, you shouldn't do this, you shouldn't do that. Personally, I'd prefer the silent swoosh of the arrow being flung at high velocity. Golf is too peaceful, and too difficult. Its a contrasting contradiction. I thought it was some kind of relaxing sport, where you dress up like a dork and spend all afternoon trying to get the ball in the hole.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

some kinda love story

Almost every movie I watch, there are some elements of love in it. I suppose its essential, its a human thing, and sometimes the picture perfect love story, even though we shun it, I think we secretly want to live it. Imagine that, problems that come up can be resolved, and the most important of all, you end up happily ever after.

Damn. Sometimes real life sucks.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Songs in my head 1

where do I go,
if there are tears,
how can I sleep,
with my fears,
still lingering.

still saddened by the thoughts,
still scarred by it all,
just trying to get my life,
get it back again.

what happens now,
when its all broken,
i'm your pain, your sorrow,
that doesn't go away.

its just not right,
that i'm gonna be looking now,
to find another life,
to erase this part of mine,
its excessive,
its compulsive,
its everything i hope it,
wouldn't be.
but its necessary.

so, what happens now,
when its all broken,
i'm your pain, your sorrow,
that doesn't go away,
what would you say?

breaking out

I'm currently addicted to The Sims on N-Gage...its funny how life relates to it, or does it relate to life? Go home, walk around, do stuff, earn money. Talk and socialize. Its all very idealistic, and thats what makes it immersive. Plus, I don't have to place the toilets in the living room anymore.*

*Back in the day when The Sims came out, I placed the toilet smack in the middle of the living room for maximum efficiency. Well, the household broke down, and everyone died, or something to that extent. Anyway I told myself that this kinda games that require planning, aren't right for me.

Anyhow, I still find it funny that I'm addicted to it, and hope that my life was so easy. Do I want to live an idealistic life? Or does the thought of simplicity appeal to me? What if life was nothing more than interactive 3D models?

nauseating fish stomach

Chinese food is okay, but what they categorize as exquisite 'fine dining' chinese food, well, I'll have to think twice about that. There's something about eating food that is unnatural like it was meant to be in an episode of Fear factor, that unsettles me. Being adventurous in food? Me? I say stick to the basics, you can cook it differently, but don't cook a different body part that usually I don't know what it is. Like for instance today I ate a smooth, almost starchy piece of thing, that was in a stew. Later when I was done wondering how it slithered down my throat did I know that it was fish stomach. I was like...what? That's really not fish. You know tuna? I like tuna. I like tuna in a can, I like tuna raw, I like tuna with some lemon and pepper or soya sauce. So if this was the stomach...where is the fish?

Man. Fish was so far away from the menu today, I wouldn't see it if I wanted to with binoculars.

But somehow these kinda things, like shark's fin, for example, leave a bad taste in my mouth. An aftertaste, or perhaps an afterthought. And don't even get me started on pig intestines. I used to think they were sausages of some sort. Mmm Mmm! Then we eventually were thought that it was the bolus that traps most bacteria that doesn't DIE. So we're eating spiced, diseased, pig parts. But hey, you only live once right?

Perhaps its just safer just to be vegetarian.

Yeah right!

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

defining what is important

In the process of trying to figure out what is important to me, I came up with a theory. Its not exactly a theory rather than a practise of defining what my priorities are. The problem with most people, me included, is the fact that my priorities don't really change much dynamically, and the ability to do that would really do wonders for general planning. In a sense that I am not tied down by the monotony of a specific goal in life. But slowly developing the ability to alter my goals as time passes to suit the situation.

And as I am experiencing this process I have actually developed my sense of negativity even further. What has been gone for some time is slowly creeping back. I can't say that I'm not enjoying it either. It really does provide a sense of realism to life, you know, the fact that not everything is fine all the time, and that I don't have to pretend to be happy, or okay. That itself is liberating...and perhaps with this liberation I will eventually be free to be me again. How does that really help me get ahead in life?

I'd think that too many people search for this answer, trying to fit into a mould, rather than defining what the mould is. If you aren't a pre-processed success story, then you are not successful in your own right. True? False. Congratulations, you are well on your way to yuppiehood.

So what do you do once you realize that yes, it is important to maintain my individuality, but I still have bills to pay. By all means, creative expression and self-discovery does not mean ignorance and total detachment from reality. It just means that you carry on with life as it is with the realization that you are an individual, as simple as that. There are no pre-set rules for individualism. If I told you what you ought to be doing now then I would be contradicting myself wouldn't I?

Then again, here is the other question. Are we ready for this kind of forward movement? Or do we still need to create moulds for these lost souls to fit in simply because there is a need for order? At the moment we have people trying to be different just because. The crave for attention is sick and a rather low method for social recognition, and as they feed society with their own logic of creative expression they are simply creating a society of chaos when order is sorely needed.

What then, is the right balance? Its the realization that the world works in one way. Clockwise. No matter how you want to oppose it, it will still rotate the same way, days will pass, people will grow old, and you will die eventually. Such is life and there is no reason to oppose this, but once you realize that this is the way the world works, then you are ready for it. Most aren't. If you feel by opposing nature you are making a statement, then you are well over 2 steps behind of being remotely useful in the first place.

What am I doing to support this quick outburst of mental activity? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I'm loving every moment of it.

Friday, June 18, 2004

creepy calm

listening to the queer but surprisingly calming sounds of rachael yamagata, its as if time was at a standstill. its great that my work is in order, somewhat, knowingly underneath that strangely neat pile of papers the dangers of work lurk beneath. but not right now. i don't want to know that right now. for the moment, i just want to be away, doing what i need to do. some healing of the soul.

can't be bothered now. about nice things, about being structurally integrated, about being accurate, or intelligent, or smart, or charming. i don't have the energy to be all that except to just be, myself.

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Dying - Fiveforfighting

I'm Dying, Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again
I'm Dying, Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived
There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest
I'm Dying to live without you again

I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm Dying to live without you again

The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there's not a prayer that can survive

Dying, Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again
Dying, Dying to say what I always should have said
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...

I'm Dying and I can't live without you
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

Saturday, June 12, 2004

the drama of life

keeping silent, keeping still,
being completely motionless,
so i arrived here,
without permission.
i just happened.

clearing my mind,
close my eyes,
try to think less,
really try this time.

sinatra and the big band sounds,
fill the air,
providing atmosphere,
filling the void,
by singing my life.

a different time,
a different life,
such simpler moments,
you can live, and forget,
and others will remember,
because it was special.

a life of neglect,
moments wasted away,
good thoughts, bad ideas,
great times, worse moments.

quivering hands, a familiar sight,
an addiction i can't kick,
a love unclaimed, denounced,
a love found, and lost again.

time will pass,
time needs to pass,
time and healing,
positive correlation, they say,
i hope they are right,
since i never trusted them.

fish in the sea,
canned tuna fish,
what of choice,
when its further from my mind.

how time passes,
and yet nothing happens,
something must happen,
something will happen,
there's too much drama in my life.
at some point, its got to stop.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

endless sleepless nights

I want to be different. I want to wear different clothes, do different things, be a different place. I just want to get out of here. I feel as though now, I don't belong anywhere. I can't do anything, go anywhere, be myself, without thinking about her. Its a fiery predicament of pain. I recently joined the gym, coz it had all these things for me to do, to fill up my time. Its a funny feeling, you know, to just head over to the gym every other day, and then hop on to one of the machines and start exerting yourself until it hurts, but you still have to go on, because it psychologically compensates for the emotional pain, its a great transfer of energy, from emotional pain to physical pain, until you can't go anymore, then you just sit there helpless. Tired. Perspiring. And walk back to the showers thinking that was the best workout you've ever had.

How long can I keep this up? A month? Two? How long before I can actually move on? I have a tendency to stay stuck in a place for a long time. Whatever works, you know. I don't want to meet new people, in a way. I don't know what to expect, I guess that's what alone time is, just being alone and trying to recalibrate where I am, what I have to do, and reset my goals in life, since they have changed adversely, and almost suddenly, if I may add. I know what I want, its just that at the moment, I can't have it, and that's new to me. I just have to learn to deal with it. But I still feel that this situation is uncalled for. I have done no wrong...why is it so difficult for people to accept me as who I am? Who I really am. Is the person that is me simply not good enough? Perhaps so. Perhaps before I embark on a nationwide witch hunt of why I keep getting dissed, I have to find out if I'm having some kinda problem. Maybe its a psychological one, I don't know.

Pretty things don't last. This was how nature intended it. So I guess there really is nothing I can do about it. Its not a matter of giving up or putting a fight, because you can't force emotions, or simply rekindle them with some gift, at least thats the idea I'm getting. What can you do then, to stop from hurting? For me, I'm just running. Every day, if I can I just want to run, as I watch the cityscape below, I run. As I see the numbers increasing on my treadmill, I still run, even though my feet is burning, and I feel like collapsing, I still run, its a stationary form of running away from my problems, if there wasn't a treadmill I'd plunge to the grounds beneath...and that might not be so bad.

Friday, June 04, 2004

The science of love

To begin writing on a topic that I am no master of would seem ostentatious. In fact you can already see a string of failed relationships that I have somehow managed to get into, deliberately or otherwise. Talking about the otherwise, I doubt that anyone willingly walks into trouble. But walking into it without the foresight would be forgivable, as in my case, I suppose my experiences can't be blamed on anyone, or anything. It was the lack of foresight, which even if I had, might not have prevented me from falling into a ditch anyway.

So what is love that drives us so insane with feelings and emotions? Is it the fact that we like the rush? How does the cause and effect measure up to compensate for the feelings of fear, hate, jealousy, and loneliness that might occur every once in a while? That is the flipside to the great feeling. That is what keeps love grounded.

It is after all an invisible drug from which we all like to sniff at occasionally, just to perk up your day, to feel good, to feel Loved. How is it you fall out of love? It is like curing an addiction. First would be the realization that it is an addiction, and then someone constantly telling you its a bad thing. Kick the habit, go for rehab and in no time you're as good as new. So what is love? Love is like memory in RAM chips, its volatile, comes and goes as it pleases. Potentially damaging to vital organs such as the heart.

Its funny how people associate the heart with love. Love does not originate from the heart, it is from various things...sights, scents, touch, thoughts. But why love is associated with the heart, is when you take love away that is the first muscle that contracts accordingly, feel as if you're going to have a heart attack. Thats why. Heart shaped boxes for Valentines? Bah. The less you believe in the love as a commercial item crap, the faster you learn that love is a very complex science. It does not matter how many flowers you buy, or how often you say it, or how you're gonna do this or do that. Love does not last forever, not when love becomes a responsibility, then you are responsible forever due to the first act of love. You talk about everlasting love? I don't believe that for the moment. If there were such a thing, I wouldn't be writing this in the first place. I wouldn't be losing sleep over things like this.

If you think that everything is fine, think again. One day complacency will make a U-turn and bite you in the ass, you just gotta wait for it. Effort, big or small have no immediate effect over the outcome of love. And that makes love an exact science. Environmental variables, tweaks and adjustments in minute detail are needed just to make sure its a well oiled machine. And you know what, I'm getting really tired, for it has already bit me in the ass anyway.