Monday, December 23, 2002


First and foremost, I must seriously apologize for the now-monthly postings but I have recently travelled to Kuching, Sarawak to bring you even more stunning imagery. I hope this makes up for all the lack of reading materials for the past month...

There are so much news that I don't know where to start, but in case you were wondering, life is good:)

Go here > KUCHING

It may take about a minute to load, so please be patient and take your vitamins.

Monday, November 18, 2002

Test 2

This is the second test message.

Please delete messages with the title 'Test messages' because it is the only way I can verify that my site is working correctly. I understand that it is inconveniencing you by flooding your mailbox but I am trying to minimize on that. Please bear with me, thanks for your cooperation.

This is a test message.

[End of test message]

Sunday, November 17, 2002

Server UP :: restoration in process


Some of you might have received a 'Server down' message I posted a few hours ago. Well, good news! Server is currently operational and I'm undergoing the process of restoring some of the lost data and misplaced user accounts. I just fixed my email at so you can continue sending messages there. Please re-send any e-mail that you may have sent to me within the last 2~3 days because chances are I never got them.

Now I have to restore the data on the website itself because all the images seem to be screwy, which is going to take a long, long time :(

Have a good day,

Saturday, November 09, 2002

a realist?

My feet gets wet,
as I walk through a shallow stream.
My sunburnt skin,
when I walk under the sun.
What is this life,
that you consider so special?
When all that remains,
is burnt skin, and wet feet?

Sometimes, the simple pleasures of life does a three sixty and whacks you in the head. Everyone imagines a beautiful life. Most may even associate it with perfection as they see fit. But what if perfection isn’t what its all cut out to be. What if you get bored with things going the way they are that perfection becomes repetition, and thus perfection becomes normality? When that sinks in would you think imperfection is perfection because it is unpredictable?

Almost everyone I talk to have never ending dreams of being and doing the exact opposite of what they are, or what they are doing now. The poor man wants riches no matter the consequences and methods. The average man seeks adventure and the rich man seeks peace and tranquility. Would they provide with a life long sense of achievement, or are these requests merely attractive because of its unavailability?

I found myself at a local bank today, doing my everyday chores. The bank was under some form of construction, it was actually quite poorly ventilated and there was a sense of murkiness in the bank, probably due to the construction materials around the area. There were three somewhat hyperactive kids scrambling at the back seat, having fun, I suppose. I was not in a mood to entertain, but I watched intently as they ran about, carefree – truly happy. In the row of seats in front were 2 old men. They didn’t know each other; one was an old Chinese man with a neon blue Nestle cap, probably a free gift. You could see his balding head and the white hairs sticking out of the cap’s edges. In his hand were his bankbook, deposit slip and queue number, tightly gripped by his aging wrinkled fingers in a neat stack. I concluded that he was somewhat a perfectionist to be holding all his papers symmetrically so. But then I realized I was doing the same thing too.

Then I looked at myself; too old to be carefree, too young to be retired. I am at what they generally refer to as ‘the peak of your life’. Life is indeed what you make of it. The whole building process seems like a slow and daunting task. You hardly see much, if any progress as you are trying to pay up all your bills on time. A diversified portfolio? I wonder how some can even manage that at this age. But at least I can say I worked for the things I have, utilize and enjoy. This hardly feels like any ‘peak’ when you think about it. Just an average person being squeezed by major corporations trying to make every last cent you’ve got.

It does worry me that I will end up like the perfectionist old man at the bank. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But it is more of, what will I be thinking of as that old man at a bank? Perhaps I will look at the small kids scrambling about differently, I wouldn’t really be thinking along the lines of ‘carefree’ more as I would be thinking about ‘grand-children’. But I would look at the twenty something chap in his semi-presentable khakis and barely pressed shirt and think; am I what he wants to be? Indeed life has so much to offer. Is it really enough to think that normality is sufficient? Or do you think that striving for perfection increases our odds of living our dreams?

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Standing by. . .

Inactivity acknowledged.

Apologies for the abrupt termination.

System will be online shortly.

Thank you for your attention.

RESUME >> [life]

Friday, September 27, 2002

Eating noodles with a spoon

Time. Past 9. Right. Glued. Heavy. Sleep. More. Wrong. Wake. Walk. Wash. Sleep? No! Wash. Brush. Blink. Wipe. Change. Watch? Stupid. Absent. Misplaced? Office. Probably. Descent. Breakfast. Hunger? Nope. Walk. Lock. Drive. Drive. Swear. Drive. Park. Rush. Late? Definitely. Walk. Swipe. Open. Unlock. Papers. Lights. Work. Notebook. On. Tea. Hot. Good. Ready. Work. Sleep. Laugh. Stupid. Work. Work. Newspaper. Read. Lunch. Hungry? No. Perhaps. Eat. Drink. Be merry. Work. Type. Movie. DVD. Yes? No. Time. 3pm. Friday! Sleep. Music. Nice. 50s. Relax. Wait. Sleep. Later. Bye.

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

so, what next?

Indeed the idea of perfection seems to be a reachable goal. The knowledge that everything will indeed work like clockwork. The obsession with spotless, speckless perfection. So what if that works out anyway. So what if everything in your life is going the way you want it to go. What are you going to do then? What is left to do? Would your life then be moved in a slow reverse gear of complacency? Then do we solely rely on the system that we have created as a means of self preservation? Or is life's sole purpose to constantly advance and move forward, never to be contented with what we have. Is that a human condition, or is it merely our greed, a kind of insane hunger that drives us to be better. As technology shrinks our devices, lust increases our problems. Advertising creates lust. We buy things we don't need. We visit places we never knew existed, we slowly acknowledge and accept that our lives can be improved if we buy Product X. Product X is buying us instead. We readily eat up all the junk they feed us. What's good, what's bad, whats in, whats out. Opinions doesn't matter. Everybody has an opinion, but then our thoughts are already manufactured subconsciously. What good is a subconsciously manufactured opinion? So you gain acceptance because everyone agrees, does that make it right. Does that mean you are special and you stand independant? Who are you anyway? If you can't answer that, stop talking.

Who am I?
At the moment I dont know.

Saturday, September 07, 2002

Fwd: Cow terms

*Thought this was amusing.
------------- Forwarded message follows -------------

This is a multi-part message in MIME format.

> This is interesting....
> > The Enron debacle explained, in simple cow terms -
> > PLUS how International Corporations work.
> >
> > You have two cows.
> > You sell one and buy a bull.
> > Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
> > You sell them and retire on the income.
> >
> >
> > You have two cows.
> > You sell three of them to your publicly listed company,
> > using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank,
> > then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer
> > so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five
> > The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary
> > to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority
> > who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
> > The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
> > on one more.
> > Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
> > you with nine cows.
> > No balance sheet provided with the release.
> > The public buys your bull.
> >
> >
> > You have two cows.
> > You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
> > You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
> >
> >
> > You have two cows.
> > You go on strike because you want three cows.
> >
> >
> > You have two cows.
> > You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
> > and produce twenty times the milk.
> > You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and
> > market them World-Wide.
> >
> >
> > You have two cows.
> > You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
> > and milk themselves.
> >
> >
> > You have two cows.
> > Both are mad.
> >
> >
> > You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
> > You break for lunch.
> >
> >
> > You have two cows.
> > You count them and learn you have five cows.
> > You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> > You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
> > You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
> >
> >
> > You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
> > You charge others for storing them.
> >
> >
> > You have two cows.
> > You have 300 people milking them.
> > You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
> > You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.
> >
> > You have two cows.
> > You worship them.
> >
> > You have two cows.
> > One cow-beh and one cow-bu.
> >

Sunday, September 01, 2002

Conversations in my head

No matter how loud I speak,
you'll only hear a whisper,
because you aren't listening...
The brightest light appears to be,
the darkest corner,
because you refuse to see...
I'm trying to make sense,
but reason is not on my side,
perhaps its because there isn't any...
Perhaps the truth is more difficult to digest,
and the lies are just sugar-coated niceties,
that mask the ugliness we try to bury.
This is the truth that we eventually face,
reality such as death,
we try not to think about it, and be happy,
until the day comes...
Do we know how to deal with it?
Will we be sad? Cry? Break down?
I don't know if I will just sit there,
staring blankly...into nothingness,
mind goes numb, feel disabled.
Act disabled. Speak in a stutter.
Avoid everyone. Everything.
How will you move on,
when you are stationary?
How will you sleep,
when you are awake?
How do you live,
when you're already dying?

Sunday, August 11, 2002

A sense of greatness

This is where I want to be right now. Lying comfortably in my bed with my notebook on my lap, typing away into the night. In every instance of every phase of life we go through I think we have an ideal vision of what we want to be and where we want to be. I'd say most of the time we aren't at where we visualize we are...some of us live our lives like that, accepting that things will never be according to what we want, according to the way we want it to be. Some of us fight to be where we want to be, standing up for what we believe in, turning them into magical stories of faith and perseverance. What do you think is the appropriate thing to do - if you aren't where you want to be?

I think that sometimes we don't want something badly enough, that's why just merely going with the flow seems such a nice and pleasant idea. Its like a plane ride, you get on board and the pilot takes you to your destination, everything is cool, people serve you whatever you want to be served. Of course in that instance if you wanted to oppose your destination you could be labelled a terrorist - eg. 'Turn this flight around and fly us all to Moscow where my Comrades are waiting!'. Or perhaps that was a wrong analogy...

Anyway I've always believed that you could be whatever you wanted to be. So much so that settling for mediocrity seemed like giving up, in that sense. I believed that if I wanted something bad enough I'll go all out to get it, to achieve it and accomplish it. Have I reached my goals? I was thinking about it every now and then. This constant re-evaluation is quite tiresome, but absolutely necessary. I found that I had wasted quite a lot of my life away doing absolutely nothing. It would seem as though I am some kind of tyrannical achiever, a do or die person. Am I? No, don't answer that. I was asking myself...:P

Isn't it funny how some movies inspire you? I love being inspired by a sense of greatness. The last movie I watched on tv was 'Remember the Titans', with Denzel Washington. It was, as I expected an extremely good movie. The main theme was basically being motivated, pushing your limits, being inspired. I had been pushed to the limits before, time and time again, up to a point where the limit was a standard and maintaining that standard was a way of life. Its that point where you think to yourself that you can't possibly go on any further and everything else around you is falling apart and breaking into tiny fragments and it's so easy to just let go...but you don't. That's an achievement by itself.

I believe that everyone has a right to that sense of greatness, that sense of accomplishment. I don't suppose a lot of people would go through lengths to incorporate that into their lives, but imagine the overwhelming feeling you'll get when you realize that you can be much more, that you can do much more than this, and that you can ultimately change and affect the lives around you. That's when you know you can stand up tall, yell at the top of your lungs, 'I did it!', and feel like a million bucks.

'Money can't buy love, but then again love doesn't buy money either.'

Sunday, August 04, 2002

The feeling of inadequacy

Shopping for groceries is one of those things you gotta do once in a while. At the supermarket you tend to see many things, and many people of different characters and backgrounds. Sometimes you meet these first timers, virgins heh, wandering around trying to fit in, looking around suspiciously to see if others are looking at them. Yesterday, however, as I was lining up at the counter the man in front didnt have enough cash at the last minute, so he told the cashier to take off some items from the list, milk, was an awkward moment for him, and you could see in his eyes that he wanted to just settle it and get away as soon as possible. Out of pity I would have helped him out. But what would warrant such behaviour? If I was him I wouldn't want anyone to come to my aid, yes it is a nice thing to do, but then it might just make it worse, because it would seem as though I'm offering help that he doesn't need because when you are helping as others watch on you create more of a scene than necessary.

So I just looked on, and wondered if I had ever been in that situation. And to think of it, yes, I have. There were times when I had forgotten to bring something, or I left my wallet at home and all I had was change and I needed to get some groceries but I didn't want to drive all the way back to get the wallet. In that instance, I definitely wouldn't want someone else to offer me money, since it wasn't as if I hadn't any. But for those who are seriously in a less fortunate situation, I think I know how the feeling of inadequacy feels. Its a gripping, wounded feeling you get as you feel as though everyone is watching with sympathies or scorns, both of which can't be good in any way whatsoever.

Most recently the telephone company called me up and asked if I had received my bills coz they haven't received payment in months. I was like I thought that was cool, I'm living on the edge, that kinda thing. But yeah, when they really do cut off my line that wouldn't be that cool then. Would that be moving towards a more simple life? Simply by not paying bills?

I'm on a semi-streak of inspiration so I will be updating my site every now and then. I already put something up a few minutes ago. Thought that up in the toilet, imagine that.

Monday, July 22, 2002

Faith & Luck

Good luck, bad luck. What is luck anyway? To me its just the coincidence of being at the right place at the right time. Perhaps luck is for people who don't really want to be bothered by the technicalities of logic. Or perhaps luck is for people who want to retain some magic in their lives...? I am beginning to believe that everything in life is equal, although life isn't fair. It would seem as though I've been experiencing what you might call bad luck of late. Its just that everything seems to be going wrong.

The strangest thing is that the first couple of times yes, generally you think, 'oh man...why is this happening to me?' but then you start to seek some form of justification as a strange kind of comfort. You start to analyze things, and then you find that there is a reason why certain things happen. I'd say that it hasn't stopped, the bad luck that is, but I'm beginning to accept it as part of life and its of no surprise to me if the next thing I'm banking on fails, or I screw up in some way or other. I believe that some good must come out of it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, doesn't it? Yes, I'll end up a strong dead man eventually.

Then there's this question of faith. What of religion then, as it doesn't conform to the laws of logic and science. Its a belief, and what you have then is faith. With faith comes reason, I suppose, and that's the strongest justification that anyone can get as answers to their questions. I used to think I have a lot of questions on life, and I like to question life itself. But when you step back and look at life from a third person perspective you tend not to live life at all, you just become an observer of life. Its much like watching TV except there aren't any shampoo commercials.

I guess I've learnt to stop asking questions and started accepting things as they are. But how healthy is this passiveness, I don't know...come to think of it, I really don't know anything.

Thursday, July 11, 2002

This is a multi-part message in MIME format.

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1

>Foreign Approach
>People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate
>their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around
>world. How cute!
>Information booklet about using a hotel air-conditioner, Japan :
>Sign in men's rest room in Japan : TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT
>On the grounds of a private school : NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
>Sign in Japanese public bath : FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO
>Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations : GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO
>On the menu of a Swiss restaurant : OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO
>In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
>A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest : IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON
>Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia : TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY
>Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand : WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON
>Airline ticket office, Copenhagen : WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN

crickyt :: neomail

Content-Type: application/octet-stream;
Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64


Wednesday, June 26, 2002

Tragic end

My mind intoxicated, as cars whizzed by in a blur, I felt like I was floating.
That is wrong, you should stop,
No, I will not. I have to go on. I have to get back.
Think harder.
Red lights. Green lights.
How fast am I travelling?
Keep your eyes on the road. Concentrate.
I don't know how fast. I should slow down. Red.
The familiar crunching of metal, cushioned by the seats of the car.
Debris flying everywhere.
I looked left.
Seat belt locking as I see her bending forward due to the energy of impact,
what have I done?
Please don't die...
I might've killed my dearest friend...
Oh, what have I done...
Slow down. Too late.
Smoke settles, crowd forms.
Go away.
Please...go away.
Are you alright?
Go away.
What now?

*If you already knew from the text msg I sent you. Just ignore it. I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I don't want people calling me and asking me how I am. I don't need that. Leave it be. I'll settle it myself.

Thursday, June 13, 2002

anticipation / anxiety

Today I learn the meaning of anxiousness. Its the feeling you get when you are expecting something great to happen. When you are meeting someone for the first time, or when you are waiting for some kind of result, like soccer updates. But for me, the next 15-20 minutes would be in anticipation of the activation of GPRS on my mobile. *brrrRrrryeahhhh* shivering with anxiety, very high geek factor, mind numbing excitement.

Of course it could turn out to be crap. But I'll only know in a bit. Right now I feel pretty much useless pacing around the office with nothing worth doing. Which differs from nothing to do because that wouldn't justify the stack of papers on my In tray that spells hours of sorting and processing.

8 minutes to go...

Tuesday, June 04, 2002


If there is feeling, must you nurture it?
If there is hope, must you wing it?
If there is beauty, must you observe it?
If there is love, do you express it?

If you fall, you die,
Adorable becomes adult, becomes death,
Hence, love is as intangible,
As easily it fabricates, as easily it dissolves.

Life is made up of moments,
Seize the day, make yourself happy,
Hence, love rules the world,
Makes all things beautiful, inserts meaning into life.

When you rule out possibilities,
When life start to seem real,
When you wake up to a nice cool morning,
is When you find comfort in independance.

Alas, what you lack you wish you had,
And when you did, you'd wish for a time machine,
How ridiculous it seems!
To look when you've stopped searching.
To feel when you've gone numb.
To love when you've forgotten.

To justify your actions may seem redundant,
If actions were based on feelings,
Who ends up wounded?
If actions affect others, and feelings affect yourself.

For feelings aren't real, it isn't tangible,
And the world is real.
Reality is real.
Therefore, I must be real too.

Tuesday, May 28, 2002

The wha...?

I was at the bank today for a short time. I guess waiting for the lift is one of the more awkward moments in a small crowd, or rather, you could make it an even more awkward moment by pretending that its an awkward moment. I looked up just like anyone else, and the melodious sound of 'ding' indicating that it will be here shortly. Its actually quite amusing to see a look of relief on people's faces when they hear the 'ding', much like when my little Eve hears the sounds of the microwave and the can opener consecutively. But Eve is a Labrador retriever. And I am not.

Then this couple came out of the door on one of the floors, no, it wasn't a married couple, more like colleagues. Yes, I should have said colleagues in the first place. Anyway the lady was telling the man something, and I can almost swear that 80% of her conversation was abbreviations. It sounded like 'They don't understand that the EEC cannot be a GPF coz the PBD department won't KIV it...' or something to that extent. The man nodded in agreement. I wondered if abbreviations made her seem more intelligent amidst the small crowd. I wondered if it made her feel more powerful. Perhaps it made her remember her kindergarten days. I was slightly annoyed because she seemed a little too dramatic, you know, like she wanted the rest of us to hear her out.

Personally I was thinking about the RPM on my SAFC and whether the AFL was screwing up the ECU.

And yes I loved kindergarten.

Saturday, May 25, 2002

Dec.air = 0.0%

I woke up bright and early today, pretty eager to fit the custom built case for my SAFC that I did last night. It is basically to conceal the otherwise obvious blue object behind the steering. So that went quite well actually, I was admiring my handiwork for a bit before I got back to my testing.

The engine seemed to be getting more erratic, and when I set the corrections to negative I can literally see the fuel meter drop. Why was that? I had to find out…but during deceleration the car still stalls sometimes if I wasn’t careful, no matter what setting I made at Ne1, which was 1000rpm. So the problem didn’t lie there.

Well during testing I had to send 2 people in my car to KLCC, and we got to watch Star Wars which was an awfully good movie if not for that annoying ending. Attack of the clones? I would’ve expected the attacks to last a lot longer. It was cool that the clones looked a lot better than the clumsy storm troopers which was basically morons in white armor, heheh, that’s my 2 cents on Star Wars. But on the way there I did another 0-100 test and today it was 00’10”35. I guess that improved somewhat, I should get rid of all the junk and people in my car and get a straight road and see how that goes.

Anyway after much reading, I found the problem, or at least I think it is, a setting called Dec.air, which I found out was ‘Deceleration Air Flow Correction’, which, I quote, ‘Some vehicles equipped with hot-wire air flow meters with forced induction units may experience engine stalling when the throttle is let off. This can be caused by a blow off valve releasing into the atmosphere, lack of a blow off valve, or the use of a very large turbocharger.’ End quote. Okay, so the part where engine stalling and throttle letting off is correct, and I sure as hell don’t have a blow off valve, then again I ain’t using a turbocharger so I might just set something there tomorrow. Now it reads as 0. What I’m afraid is the guy who installed the meter didn’t ground the wires properly, in which case I’ll also have to go check the connection to the ECU. Retuning starts tomorrow morning, bright and early. I just noticed also that even though I don’t have any major mods my car is still illegal in terms of color, where it differs from the road tax card, and the engine where on the card it says manufactured 1999 where it was 97 coz they didn’t manufacture a 99 model in the first place. On another note I think I also might have a stack of summonses that we have to go to the police station to check. I seriously don’t get it, because I thought unless they send it to you then you’ve got to pay. Now its like we have to go there and report ourselves? That’s insanity.

Well in the meantime, I’ll keep a low profile and try not to annoy anyone during my tests. I probably will earn one of those stick-waving old people retorts on how these ‘damn kids always speeding on our roads’ gestures. But ah, these old folks never had an ECU to play with in their times.;)

Wednesday, May 22, 2002

10 second car

Some of you may have noticed an abrupt disappearance, others may not care as much, but for those who did, firstly, thank you, and secondly, I was busy, both with work, and my recently acquired toy.

It all started with a sudden surge of interest in cars, I mean, there always had been but for some reason I would end up getting car magazines and at the end of the month I'd end up with a bundle and my room would look like a Speedworks waiting room. But anyway, so many things caught my attention, and there were so many things to get, to change and one of them was actually the RSM meter.

What it does is it basically displays your vehicle rev and speed, hence rev/speed meter, plus you can do a lot of other things like calculate 0-100/200/300 or even a 100m sprint, among other things, all displayed in a nice VFD(vacuum fluorescent display) that adjusts its brightness according to its surroundings, which is quite cool especially when you drive into a dark carpark and you can see it glowing back at you.

Well anyway, one fine day I got an SMS from a friend asking me if I was interested in a second hand RSM and SAFC. I looked at it for a while, then thought...what a coincidence! hehe, I was getting very anxious and excitable, only because I had initially intended to get it in the first place. Anyway I got the goods, and that was late at night. Tomorrow was another day, and perhaps the most important of all, because I'll be fitting both the meters in my car.

The next morning brought me to Speedworks. Well, let's just say that they were too expensive, so I got referred to another place in Sunway to do the installation. It was done in a jiffy, but I sincerely hoped that he wired the ground properly because the manual was very specific about how the device should be grounded. I wouldn't want to damage my engine or anything because of accessories. But anyway nothing seemed to happen out of the ordinary, and the car was running, the meters were running beautifully, its luminous fluorescent blue screen displaying the car's status in a variety of options, text, graph, digital meters, line? haha, choices abound, and the road ahead looked a lot less interesting than the readings on the screen.

But I needed to go get the devices tuned properly, so I went back to Speedworks, coz they were the only ones, well, the only ones I knew who could do a dyno test, which would also concurrently tune my SAFC, which stands for Super Air Flow Controller. Basically it controls the air flow into the engine.

Dyno test, that was new, I should've brought my camera coz it isn't every day that someone puts your cars on rollers, secures it with harnesses and then steps on it until the RPM meter goes well into the red line. But as soon as the test started I could see people starting to form a crowd around the cordoned off area where my car sat, well it was making the most noice in the workshop, and it did worry me a little about my gearbox, you know. But for that moment, all the attention was taken away from the 2 EVO VII's, a modification-in-process Elise, some really nice BMWs and there was this Toyota that I particularly liked. It was an import corolla if I'm not mistaken. Well, for that moment, I was interested to know what people thought at that time, because frankly I was feeling 'ouch, watch the gearbox...' maybe some of them thought 'what a dumba**', I did read somewhere that it takes a few months of the engine life but then it was worth it. At least I thought it was, I got a nice chart at the end, and I finally knew that my car's generating 110bhp from the engine.

The test drive. Well I couldn't find a road to really push the car, so I didn't, it felt smoother somewhat, but deceleration tends to be slightly jerky. So much so that my car actually stalled when I was at a junction, and that was very alarming. So all night I was trying to figure out why my car, which had just been really tuned, stall? So throughout the rest of today I did some reading, I read through the manuals countless times, and in the evening I decided to retune the engine at the lower RPM Levels. It was something I had never done so I don't know if that was advisable, but I went for it anyway.

I did a +1.0% correction at 1000rpm on the Lo throttle. The engine seemed alright. So I decided to take it for a slow drive.

Nothing happened, that was good, it was all smooth. So I decided to test out the car. It was about 7pm so it wasn't exactly the best time nor place to test cars but then I was really, really curious. So I set the RSM for a 0-100km/h test to see how long it'd take. My stock satria with a used K&N clocked 12 seconds, that was when the engine was relatively new, so now with a new K&N filter and the SAFC, I stopped my car completely, then just stepped on it. Some might say that was a stupid move, since it was a winding road and a bumpy one too, plus I overtook about 3 cars on a 1 1/2 lane road, I managed to clock 00'10"51 which was about 10 seconds assuming I was on a straight road. I was feeling quite happy about that.

Some might say, does it really matter? Well, when you really think about it, perhaps not. But I think that was perhaps the most exhilarating 10 seconds for today, and I decided to tell you about it.:)

PS: I've been told by a few ppl my last posting sounded too technical. I just wanted to top that, but not intentionally, I will write something normal the next time around, I hope...

Monday, May 13, 2002


Its so humid I don’t want to be out, and if I was I wouldn’t want to be back inside. The other day I came across some timber in the office that I thought were samples. Apparently they were off-cut sizes of railway sleepers, which was basically the stuff we export to Japan for railway tracks. So I asked what was to become of the off-cut sizes, but then there was no plans for them.

Suddenly I got creative again. I just wanted to have some to work on. What did I want to make out of them? I seriously didn’t know. But I knew I just had to have some. So the weekend brought me to the sawmill in Port Klang where tucked in a corner were stacks upon stacks of the railway sleepers. Clad in my jeans and t-shirt, I was ready to get down and dirty. It was quite a liberating feeling because of the contrast it had against my daily office job.

Anyway there began the selection process. The blocks of wood were just haphazardly stacked and some were good, most weren’t. Initially I had planned to take at least 10 back, but some quick calculations later resulted in the actual figure of each of these pieces to about 25kgs. 10 pieces would be a good quarter of a ton. I was all set to get rugged but then I wasn’t prepared to be stupid.

So anyway I settled for 6. 4 were sleepers and 1 was a crossing. Crossings are basically a square while sleepers were rectangular. Crossings are heavier. I would say, more than 30kgs. Since the timber wasn’t exactly S4S’ed, which meant that they weren’t ‘sandpapered’, splinters were abound and I got quite a number of cuts. I think after a while you just calmly pick the splinters out. I still remember the time when I was in a Chinese school and the teacher used to say that if you get splinters or needles it’ll travel to your heart and when it does you’ll die. I still don’t know how valid that is.

But anyway at the end of the day I managed to get all the timber up, with some help of course, into my balcony where it has now unofficially become my own little woodworking garage. I still have some more in my car which I think I will carry up tomorrow.

So during the duration of the entire process I decided that I would make lamps out of these things. Don’t expect me to get into details of how it would be, it’s going to be a long and laborious process because of the weight and everything, but I started on the first stage today and it was a complete workout that rivaled most exercise videos.

I was feeling lethargic at work today, the constant feeling of the lack of sleep didn’t help, or perhaps was the main cause of this. Anyway, I was looking forward to getting home. I had my tools ready, saw, L shaped ruler and a huge file. First step was to cut some skids to create support for the sleepers. Skids are basically of the same species, kempas hardwood, very tough, very durable, a pain in the ass to work with, as I would soon discover. Skids however, are a lot smaller in size, about say 50mm x 50mm would be good judgment.
So I started sawing the wood. It took…quite a long while before I actually got halfway through, and the saw kept getting stuck in the wood. Already weakened by the lack of dinner, I wanted to just give up then because it did seem quite helpless. However something in my head kept telling me that something this small shouldn’t have been posing as a problem. But I had been forewarned of this, that’s the reason why they use huge cross-cutting machines to cut these things, not handsaws.

However, I was determined to finish it. And I told myself that I wouldn’t get out of the balcony until I did. Well, it just took time and a lot more effort, but in the end I managed to finish it. It was satisfying to say the least, but looking at the amount of timber left on my balcony, I would say that there is a long way to go. This was only the beginning. And judging by the amount of power tools I would have to work with to get this lamp done, I think I might just enjoy the journey.

Wednesday, May 01, 2002

Elby's Dictionary

The Letter K


Fairly modern technology that enables the use of locks. Locks can be applied to any door, vehicle or device to enhance the safety by preventing theft and malice. Keys are the only way to open locks.

This ingenious device enables the user to lose a full set of keys at any one time.

An ingenious feature found on most mobile phones, where for Nokia its [Menu-*] enables the phone to be locked until it is unlocked. If the feature is not utilized, allows the user to check his/her mobile from time to time to determine 4D lottery numbers that would rival that of random number generators. Also if not utilized allows you to start making friends from Pakistan with your a**. Assuming of course, that's where you put your mobile.

One of the many things in life you think you really want until you really have them.

One of the many things in life you think you really want until you really have them.

The only way politicians can put it to make it sound good.

A place where you grew up, and when you get older wished you never left but that would have only resulted in a restraining order.

Martial art
The art of self-defense that when practised makes you imagine millions of cameras swivelling around you, making you feel more powerful than you actually are. Making strange animal noises like a cheetah will leave your assailants no choice but to strip you buck naked in an alley in the middle of the day further thickening the line between fiction and reality.

Monday, April 29, 2002

Strange boy

There was a boy, not more than ten,
who lived his life without a care,
But it was normal of boys his age,
to be obsessed with the unimportant things,
For the unimportant things were,
The most appealing things in life.

Time passed, and as he grew,
Oh yes how big he’s grown,
People changed, experiences blinked,
And as quickly as it happened,
It passed by at the same time.

Isn’t it strange how songs,
Convey such great meaning,
Even if the song was meaningless?
Just the simple rhythm of the tune,
Evokes floods of memories that would be unstoppable.

Love was a concept,
Love was a story,
Love was an anxiety,
Love was a fear.

Perhaps it was wrong of this boy to think,
That everyone was the same,
But oh how they were similar,
Yet different.

And time passed with each experience.

Each certainty and uncertainty,
Brought about even more memories,
That a large box would seem inadequate,
And stupid at the same time.

Isn’t it strange that life is a concoction,
Of experiences?
And these are the basis of memories?

If so then why are we waiting for,
The person to come along,
And change our lives forever?
Perhaps they have left,
And the memories remain,
No matter how clich├ęd that may seem.
If so, then what then?
Do we wait for another person,
to change our lives again?

How many changes can we go through?
or can we afford to go through, rather?
Until we get old?
Until we tire?
Until death seeks us?

But this little boy is prepared,
He’s got life insurance.

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

Quiet contemplation

Its been a whole half month that passed ever since the last posting. It feels different to be sitting here again. It wasn't like I wasn't thinking for a whole half a month, but its just that sometimes your life doesn't seem to be worth mentioning, you know? I am not saying that it is worth mentioning now, hehe. Anyway I haven't had coffee in quite a while so the after effects have probably sunk in. Withdrawal symptoms, I guess. I retract from society like an escargot in a French kitchen.

Talking about escargots I had my first the other day in a restaurant after work. You see I always believed that things that I don't like will harm me in some way, like jellyfish, stingrays, octopuses and certain kinds of people. Hmm, that would make it more seafoody than people. Hey, I created a new word. Seafoody. So basically I'll avoid them because I think I'm allergic to them. I don't know if I really am allergic though, like prawns, I know I am somewhat allergic, I get rashes, but I eat them anyway. Sometimes picking prawns out of a plate of 'char kuey teow' is like both time consuming and a slight insult to the chef, he would probably think, if you didn't want prawns why didn't you say so you little ****. But thats what I think. So anyway back to the snail-thing. It came loose from the shell like how all dead slugs are supposed to be. It was like a piece of chicken, you know, only...darker. I had anticipated it to be more slimy, but the texture was like sashimi. Garlic flavored sashimi. Its gross when I think about my schooling days where I would bring a canister of salt and laugh in maniacal glee as I disintegrate the garden snails by sprinkling. It was gross and it let off a pungent smell that I seriously don't want to remember. However, as I was eating the supposed delicacies. I did.

Talking about sea animals, I watched something on National Geographic the other day, yes, the first sign of non-social interaction begins when you are channel surfing after a long day's work and then a bunch of sea octopuses look like an interesting thing to watch. Firstly, I never liked octopuses. It must have been some cartoons that I saw. I think it was Popeye, you know, where he would battle this monster octopus, no wait, that's a movie with Robin Williams, so anyway octopuses are like squids. They have eyes, they look shady, and there's certainly something up their tentacle. Yuck, definitely the tentacles as well. I had always associated them with something evil and sinister. Its a wonder why some people eagerly chow down these faceless sea creatures with their nasi lemak and sambal every morning. I watched as octopuses slid from the ocean bed, or one fed on a shark, imagine that! And an octopus that fed on another octopus. I thought that was gross actually, its like cannibalism. I can bet you they don't even know the concept of cannibalism. Perhaps he was just having 'breakfast'.

So today I just watched this movie called 'I am Sam', and finally at that! I had wanted to watch it since a long time ago. It was touching, with excellent performances from the cast, and the little girl, Lucy was so cute! It really makes me wonder about what and where my life is headed sometimes. What I really want. I think somehow life is headed on this predetermined course, work, get married, have kids, die. Perhaps that is a more realist approach towards life. Some may say, ah, that's boring! I want to get out of the loop! But then I think what if its not really about the structure that matters? What if its the experiences along the way that counts? Then all the fanatic and 'think different' thoughts of skydiving, or endangering your life with extreme sports or even buying something exorbitant and expensive wouldn't matter. The more I think about it the less it matters actually. I want a simple life, a happy life. Something that I can reflect on every now and then and say to myself, yes, I am headed towards the right direction, and I am happy with it. I don't need to experience any side of extremity just to prove a point. It seems to make less sense as I get older.

But perhaps I am a little more mellow now wrapped in my comforter with the air conditioning bringing the temperature in the room low enough to be comfortable. But perhaps I really am making sense.

Tuesday, April 02, 2002

Caffeine fix

Somewhere in the country of Holland someone's doing something right. In this case, instant freeze-dried coffee. This particularly strong brew of instantness is what's keeping me awake and alive right now. I am progressing towards my third cup today. That would make it a cup every three hours. It started out initially as something to get me going because I was particularly dazed in the morning. I think it happens when you get dragged out of bed and the weather's too nice to be awake, it somehow affects your mood. I actually blamed my slowing metabolism for this.

So I did what I had ceased to do for some time, which was to fix me a cup of black coffee. I remember how I used to like mocha lattes, but those were too much trouble to make, now its just coffee and water, no sugar nor milk. I have begun to like it just as it is, its that utilitarian java fix. My mind is buzzing now, coffee and donuts, that's the order for the day, I didn't feel like lunch so I brought back some donuts to the office. I find it a little depressing whenever someone is wearing a uniform that bears the logo of a food corporation, like Mc Donalds. Perhaps its because they portray an image of sadness. There is a distant look in their eyes somehow, even if they try to be friendly and greet you in the most respectable manner, they still somehow depict an image of pain and suffering.

Maybe its just me. But 2 days ago I was at Mc Donalds. It seems automatic how whenever you can't decide what to eat, you would just head towards the brightly lit counters with the employees of the Mc Donalds Corporation greeting you. I think they have quite effectively advertised their range of products. You already know the entire Mc Donalds menu in your mind, but yet everybody looks at it again, as if for some kind of reassurance, or confirmation.

Being an employee. Hmm, let me give that some thought. I would think that when people approach the counter they wouldn't be looking at me. They would almost automatically look over my shoulder at the menu behind, that blank stare into space. Perhaps that's the kind of look that I will give them too. I have a preprogrammed list of phrases that I must learn by heart, 'chilli or ketchup, sir?', 'any fries for you, sir?' and 'eat in or take away, sir?' The next thing they will see is the screen, where the total would show. I don't even need to be there. What am I doing here?

Perhaps it is this systematic sense of automative, mechanical work ethic that dulls the mind. Like, how much further can you deviate from your job? Perhaps you could stick a french fry into the ice cream, but that would probably get you in trouble. I look around, the poster says 'Exciting work opportunities'. Somehow I don't see myself doing that. I am not saying that its a bad job, or its a stupid job and people shouldn't do it, granted whichever job you are doing, you are essentially serving the community and contributing to the growth of the country, but I would much rather do something else, like be a waiter at a family restaurant, which is cooler. But that's just me.

I was just done with a call that had to be conducted in Mandarin. I don't remember when I last spoke that much Mandarin in my life but I guess I'm lucky I do. What was strange was the last call the Chinese girl who was the accountant or something thought I wasn't Chinese, because I spoke in English, so she started talking to me in Malay. And I can tell you that my Malay is nowhere near comprehensible, we were like ducks talking chicken. I wanted to speak in Chinese but then I thought, ah, we are so far into the conversation in Malay, might as well follow through. That was weird.

I have completed my draft for lesson 4 of my assignment, now I can't wait to get home and start working on it. Perhaps then I would have had my eighth cup of coffee. I am definitely not getting any sleep tonight...:)

Monday, April 01, 2002

Five minutes

11.35pm - my time.

Not before long after a few mundane days of non-activity, I begin to realize that I haven't updated my weblog for days. Why should I? I ask myself, I have nothing extremely interesting or informative to say. Makes me wonder if the internet is really a placeholder for information because day by day I am accumulating quite a bit of content and none of it seems to be very relevant or informative. In fact what you read here might degrade your level of intelligence.

Yes indeed my mind is blank today. I am thinking of layouts for lesson 4 of my graphic design class. I have to design a magazine cover and create the layout for the insides. It sounds like a very challenging task, and indeed it is because I have no content as yet. So I guess that, plus some other things are distracting my mind.

This is just five minutes of my time, this is like a preview of what happens if you were to know what I am thinking for five minutes. Uh oh, one minute left. Computer, screen, birds, pictures, scanning, organizing, work, work, work, papers in the tray, documents to prepare, pay the electricity bill, upload some pictures, make an appointment with the doctor, painkillers, painkillers are good, I should buy some more, if I can. I feel like having a large pizza. I think I'll go watch tv.

11.40pm - my time.
* The author apologizes for the lack of creative originality for this post and regrets that you have read it. Perhaps now you are wondering how you can unsubscribe to the mailing list. Perhaps you want to buy a rabbit, or a picture, or a dress. Perhaps you want to go for coffee now. Perhaps I need some coffee. Yes, I have single-handedly solved my own problem. Coffee. Will write when I am particularly juiced up. Till then.

Tuesday, March 26, 2002

Life's not fair - live with it

I am putting on restraints to stop myself from thinking too much. If a thinking cap was something someone would wear to promote thoughts mine would be doing the reverse. Which is strange to think that I had just worn a cap because my hair is in a mess now. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have entered the bad hair zone. Its not a bad hair day, where the next day you hope it would look better and it usually does, mine is stuck in an eternal curse. Well, at least for this week or so. Its neither long nor short, makes it quite difficult to work with. No matter, I think if I believe its okay, then it shall be.

I just finished reading the newspapers today. I realized that I have been reading the newspapers a lot lately. The best part of the newspapers is actually the advertisements. I am drawn to them somehow - much more than anything else. Sometimes there are good ads, and sometimes there are bad ads. Very, very bad ads. The last bad ad I saw was this family picture and then the mom and dad looked bored and the daughter looked like she just came out of some vegan diet after devouring meat her entire life, tired, that is, and then the brother looked like he just stepped out of a Hong Kong triad movie. I looked at it...then I looked at it again. Then I didn't even want to read the fine print. But I knew that if I met him I would give him a good whack on the head. Just because.

Well that isn't the point actually, I just deviated like I always do. So what I read today, or didn't read. I glance at newspapers, I only read what interests me. One of the columns that held my attention about a few days back was this write-in section. This is the section where normal citizens and readers can submit their thoughts (hey) about anything and they will publish it there for all to see. Unfortunately, you can gauge the level of maturity most Malaysians have by the things they say. Some of them are awful, simply...simply awful. You know how sometimes something is so bad you just have to look at it, or read it, or pay attention to it? Well this is it. The epitome of stupidity. Well at least most of them are. But I would like to tell you about the letter that this person sent in a few days this person tells the whole world that condoms only have an effectiveness of so and so statistic that he probably grabbed from the Internet. He thinks that abstinence is the only way to go, and that people shouldn't even be talking about condoms because promiscuity is bad. Monogamy is good. Basically he's saying, stop being promiscuous and that is the best preventive measure.

Great. Once in a while you do get some people who talk like that. Its like they have discovered the essence of life. Ah! Goodness! Purity! Abstinence! What they fail to realize is that life isn't all pretty and predictable. You can't tell people what to do with their lives and what is good and what is bad because the essence of morality is debatable. It is like censorship on television, who is to judge what is morally correct and what is not? Base it on his or her own judgement? Bah! Our judgements are constantly being developed as we gain new experiences and as our character builds. Am I to say that I am the same as I was a year ago? Most definitely not! I may not even be the same 5 seconds ago.

So anyway what interested me was when this guy from the Malaysian AIDS Council wrote in today and said something quite refreshing. He said that although condoms have an effectiveness level, you gotta look at it from different viewpoints, its application, whether it's expired, etc. He continues to say that he has been in many countries to promote the prevention of AIDS and STDs and abstinence was the least effective method. When you are communicating over a wider spectrum with different cultures and when you are trying to spread awareness, especially in this case, what you are doing, your objective, is to disease prevention. I don't understand how some people can treat that negatively, is it because it is unacceptable to them that people are being promiscuous and having sex before marriage? This guy continues to say that it is simply unrealistic. When you think about it, you can never tell what's going to happen. That's what makes humans unpredictable, and that's what makes us human. Life's like that. He ends with, 'Reality bites'. I liked that very much. It's like, 'live with it, suck it up, its going to happen, it's happening, either you help us or you stay out of our way.'

Next, yes, that was just I read about the music business. There has been all the big hoo-haa about piracy and how the music industry is trying to make CDs copy-proof. And how all the artists are complaining that they are not selling as many albums due to piracy. Boo hoo hoo. Reality bites. Personally, I have been buying original CDs for the last few albums, it is by choice, it was something I wanted to do, it wasn't a morality thing as much as it was a quality thing. Anyway that aside, I was thinking, why are they even complaining? They simply have had their comfort zone taken away. Big deal, go think of something new and deal with it. I don't really understand why they can't just continue doing what they do, or if they weren't having all their piracy and sob story campaigns they probably would have found a new method of distributing their music, or to just work around the problem. It isn't as if every problem is a dead end, its more of a challenge and I think what most people fail to do is realize that they are being challenged, so the easiest way out is to create a basket of pity, hopefully people will look at you and share your sorrow. Unfortunately some people remain in their baskets forever.

I seem to be writing out of frustration today. I don't know if it is directly or indirectly or if at all it is related to me. I don't think so. But I just feel like sometimes the things people do really bug me. To the extent that I have to spend time thinking about it and then analyzing it. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so, yet again. Analyzing something allows me to evaluate and re-evaluate something to death, then at least I am looking at a cube, not a square. And that's always a good thing coz you can put so much more in a cube than a square.

Okay I should stop now or I will end up infuriating the entire population.

But if only they weren't such squares...

Monday, March 25, 2002


I am in a writing mood, although I know that I don't have the mental capacity to write. Its as if my mind's a total vastness that is indescribable, but yet my heart is feeling a plethora of emotions that is in dire need of expression. This isn't unusual, I had anticipated this day to come the day I started working on this log, some days will be good, some days will be exciting, and some days will be dull and boring. This is neither of those days. But it is one of another kind of day, one of those puzzling ones.

I guess throughout the whole of last week I had the sheer rarity of not being responsible without the fear of irresponsibility. The various blue and yellow pills marked Syntex and 250 was like a reason, an excuse to not function. After the second day, I was hooked. No, I don't think it was the addiction of painkillers, but it was the psychological reaction that was linked to them, it was the thought that I could be absent from pain, any kind of pain. Emotional and otherwise.

I stopped taking the painkillers because I think I am not in pain, I think some suffering time is at hand now to keep reality in check. But am I really suffering anyway? I don't think so. Suffering isn't lying in bed watching MTV. Suffering isn't the thought and knowledge that I will be provided 3 meals a day so that I can take my medication afterward. I watched and saw many things throughout the course of my recovery. Suffering wasn't something that you would sign up voluntarily like a photography assignment on a beauty pageant. Suffering was real, it was evident, it will make you cry. Suffering will make you reach out and help, and be a totally different person.

Isn't it strange that other people's predicaments are in place so that you have some kind of emotional and empathetic focus? I think its strange. Well, I think that it wouldn't really affect a lot of people. It wouldn't be right, or wrong of me to state that they are ignorant. Being judgmental is one of those racy, on the border things that someone should never go in relation to anything. Unless you're a tyrannical imperialistic dictator...then I guess it is part of the job description.

I find that I am on the verge of overexaggeration. I am in the mood for it now. Does it make my surroundings more colorful, contrasty and hyper-concentrated? In a way it does, and I do like it that way. The tiny voice in my head tells me its wrong to do that. I ignore it sometimes, people tell me off sometimes, but when I am on the verge of overexaggeration, I am also not in the mood to accept morality viewpoints. To what I know, I brush my teeth, I wear decent clothes, have a good job and my life's in order - well, somewhat, so much so that everything else is overrated.

What is more scary than not knowing what you want and where to go?

Knowing exactly what you want and where to go. And realizing that this is the decision that will map out your entire future. Knowledge leads to predictability. I had a somewhat shocking revelation the other day when I realize that all these years of planning and thinking had led me to a faded kind of decision. Faded in a sense that it had always been there, it just took me some time to figure it out. And now here I am, with everything I could possibly have, and the sheer responsibility to carry on what I am supposed to do, or what I have already mapped out for myself to do. I guess some may say that direction is a good thing.

But if the direction is evident, then you won't have the direction anymore coz all that's left is the journey. Its the journey that is new and exciting. Exciting is like an over-hyped word to mask fear and anxiety. But it's going to be great...I can feel it somehow, things are going to look up and work out.

Saturday, March 23, 2002

I am not

I could burst into poetry,
I could write a song,
I could write a story,
but then it'd come out wrong.

I could learn something,
I could watch tv,
I could learn to sing,
no, to think of it, it wouldn't be me.

I wish I could be somewhere,
far away from here,
I wish I could escape reality,
into my world of a dream.

You shouldn't be there,
you shouldn't live a dream,
ahead I look in a stare,
in deep thought it may seem.

Sometimes when I sleep,
I awake suddenly as if from fear,
its as if I just went on a life trip,
filled with sweat and tears.

But it isn't joyful,
it isn't a documentary,
I feel genuinely afraid,
of something, I don't know what.

The fear lives on,
it has now invaded my conscious,
I try to find a song,
to make it more melodious.

The happiness, the contentment,
is like a decadent facade,
perhaps I should just stop everything,
stop pretending that its alright,
because at the end of the day,
it really isn't.


when I wake, I dream,
when I sleep, you appear,
so many ways to screw up,
so many ways to see you,
and so many ways to screw up later.

so many possibilities.
the mind works up a cauldron of mixed thoughts and emotions.
mixed being the imperative word, since you can't tell what's real.
and what's not.
though all the camouflage, the carnage, is a barrier that seems indestructable.
or is it just because your beauty is too captivating?
perhaps that is why i stare. although i try not to.
but sometimes, i can't help it.

i have a message to deliver that makes me the messenger.
although the message may never get delivered due to distraction problems.
for who am i?
except a nobody.
unless you are a nobody too, perhaps...perhaps.
perhaps i will never know.
and things will never change.
and we will always be on both sides of the counter.
leave it to fate, to determine what will happen.
and i will attempt to forget you,
only to be reminded whenever i walk past,
therefore the only solution would be to not walk past,
if i can only resist the temptation.
or the beauty.

Thursday, March 21, 2002

In bed with Synflex, Zinnat and serratio peptidase

It is as if things haven't changed ever since last week. I felt crippled, I can't do this. I can't do that. It was quite fun at first, responsibilities seemed to be the last thing on my mind, it was like a paid vacation. Nurses came in to check on me every now and then, that was cool. I kinda liked that. Now I'm bonding with my bed, my notebook is back to normal again, sprawled on my bed are CDs, newspapers, pillows and etc. I take my pulse and blood pressure less regularly than I have the urge to check e-mails. Hmm, seems as though pressure went up.

Can't work out, can't go to the gym, can't drive. Great. So what else is there to do?

Something came up on the newspaper the other day that caught my attention. This little 5 year old girl needs your help. Her name is Quin-Lynn and she was born with a serious congenital heart problem and I quote 'the blood vessels to her lungs are not connected to her heart and she also had two holes in her heart.' She needs close to RM300k and the family has only raised RM70k. They will need the money before the end of May. That's in two months. I don't know if it was because I just got out of the hospital or because I am emphathetical but I feel like she really needs help, and what I went through was nothing. What made my heart cringe was when the mother said that some people advised her to 'let her daughter go'. Seriously, what the hell is that? Nobody should die that way. Not when they are five years old.

You can send a cheque to:
Kiwanis Club of Klang - Children's Fund
Write 'Ng Quin-Nee' behind and send it to:
Ng Quin-Nee Appeal,
Kiwanis Club of Klang, 28 Jalan Kampar, 41300 Klang, Selangor, Malaysia.

For those with newspapers its on Tuesday March 19, 2002's The Star - Main Section Page 15. Personally, I'm going to write a cheque, I'll see how that goes and keep you updated. Its funny how one's problems seem so insignificant when one feels charitable. Really makes you think twice the next time you say 'Life sucks,' because really, it doesn't.

Tuesday, March 19, 2002

feel >> PAIN

Being carted out from your room was a surreal feeling. I watched as I passed through rows and rows of florescent lights. I felt weak, limp, faint. With no indication or sense of direction, I just lay there. Being as calm and composed as I could.

I had always imagined myself to have a high tolerance to pain - that plus the ability to not moan about my predicament. I guess that would come in useful after the operation. Suddenly I was 'parked'. It was like a dizzying MTV come to a sudden halt. I was left alone. Perhaps the operating theatre wasn't ready. I thought to myself, 'I could hop off this bed now and make a run for it.' I wondered what would be the implications though. Then I remembered the last thing the surgeon said, 'Sign here.' Imposing? I didn't know what to make of it then. I was in pain. I did my research, and the operation was necessary. Sign here. The words echoed in my head a few times before I lifted the abnormally heavy pen. I glanced at the documents but I wasn't reading it. 'Consent. Operation. Patient' seemed to dominate most of the words on the document. 'Sign here,' said the surgeon, pointing to the void above 'Patient'. I did.

The nurse took out the documents as I lay there on the bed. 'Is this your signature?' she asked. Of course it was. Fear and anxiety prevented me from checking. But as I lay there in the waiting bay, I wondered - what did I agree to? It occurred to me that I didn't even know what I was agreeing to. Should I leap off this bed and make a run for it?

'Sign here,' said the accountant as I checked the transaction slip from the credit card payment. Hospital. RM3,000. Cardmember's signature.

I stared blankly at the ceiling. What if there were complications? What if I died from the surgery? 'There are no complications,' reassured the surgeon from behind his desk. I was trying to figure out the situation. Was he trying to help me? Or was he trying to make a sale? He looked sincere. I thought to myself, wouldn't it be strange, if I died? I would have paid for my own death. But that was a tad too morbid. It was just a simple operation. Well, not that simple. Perhaps I still had a shred of positivity.

That can't be good. On my left were rows upon rows of bottles. On my right, a few nurses chatted excitably over something. But the voices were just garbled, a concoction of blurry voices and maniacal laughter. Perhaps the anxiety over-exaggerates everything. But I wasn't in the mood to tune anything down. What did I sign for? I asked myself yet again...

I guess they weren't kidding about the part where there were bright lights. I felt like a lab frog prepped up for dissection. 'Please give me your arm,' said the anesthetist. 'I am going to insert a tube in your vein, this might hurt a little.'
'I am going to inject the anaesthetic now, this might be painful.'
I felt a cold fluid being injected directly into my veins. I could feel the coolness being transported with every beat of my heart, pumping the drug into my body. Nothing. No pain. So that wasn't as bad as I thought. I could hear beeping, that's probably my heartbeat, I thought to myself. 'Why is it taking so long?' I could hear somebody saying. I was proud of that. I relished in the fact that their so-called anaesthetic didn't do anything to me. Unfortunately, that was the last thing I heard, or remembered.

I still don't know what I signed.

Thursday, March 14, 2002

[Pretty flowers]

The rays of sunbeam slowly trickled through the pastel fabric curtains casting its light into the room slowly but surely. Sarah awoke immediately with utmost glee, ready to take on the new day, with new possibilities, and perhaps even new adventure! She hopped off her bed into her tiny bunny slippers as she rushed out into the living room to find the dining filled with her favourite fruits!

She settled on a sweet juicy pear to start her day off. As she ate she wondered what she would do the rest of the was such a difficult decision, since there were so many things to do. Instead she just settled for not planning what to do but instead soak up all the colors and happiness that she had around her. She could see her cat Twinkles, lying on the stool, nodding off to sleep. She laughed with glee and exclaimed, 'What a lazy cat you are, Twinkles!' as she brushed Twinkles soft shiny fur.

Then Sarah decided to go walk out into the woods to pick up some flowers on the way to Grandmaw's house. Now of course you would have noticed that Sarah was Southern, I mean, she was in too good a mood to be bringing out her double-barrel shotgun just in case she met some wolf with cruel intentions, no, she was in too good a mood to do that. So to Grandmaw's it was!

She brought along her picnic basket filled with all the love and colors of her little home, which basically means nothing. No, it was an empty basket, but it was a basket filled with love. You see, Sarah was always taught that love makes the world go round, and as long as there is love, you have everything, what the world needs now is love, and love is a beautiful thing. Which basically meant that she can be joyful and maintain several foreign bank accounts at the same time. You see, people who live in the woods have a firm grasp of economics. But enough about that, we are now talking about Sarah and how her infectious happiness will radiate upon others.

The clouds contrasted on the lovely blue of the sky and the light cool breeze brushed Sarah's little red shawl whenever she skipped and danced into the woods while humming her favorite U2 song (they DID win a lot of Grammy's). As she skipped and hummed she could see from a distance away that there were some pretty yellow flowers up ahead. Excitedly she ran towards them in great anticipation.

Wow! Thought Sarah, 'these must be the prettiest looking flowers I have ever seen!' she said to herself. The dew was still evident on the yellow flowers. She couldn't really pinpoint what kind of flowers they were, but they had four vividly colored petals and a bright orange center! It kind of reminded Sarah of the oranges she saw on the dining table this morning! 'I'm sure Grandmaw would love to have a whole bouquet of these pretty flowers,' said Sarah.

She reached out to the stem of the flower and proceeded to pluck them from the ground. But not before she heard a voice that startled her.

'What are you doing, little girl?' said the voice. Sarah was taken aback as she fell on the gravel.
'Who is that?' asked Sarah.
'It is us, the yellow flowers!' came the voice.
'You can talk?' she exclaimed.
'Of course we can! We are after all living things...what brings you here?'
'I was going over to Grandmaws and I thought, how pretty these flowers must be and that Grandmaw would love to have a bouquet of these!' she explained, her face lit up with glee as she looked around to see where the voice eminated from.
'Ah, I see. Would you like to spend the day with us instead?'
Sarah thought for a moment, yes! This was indeed one of the rare moments that she hadn't planned! Grandmaw will just have to wait, as she almost immediately said 'Yes, of course!' in a louder than average voice.
So Sarah spent half the day with the flowers, talking about many things ranging from her school, to life, and what makes her happy, and what colors she liked. And in return she found out that flowers are living things with intelligent minds and friendliness to boot! She symphatised with the flowers as they told their tragic story of hardship and pain, and how their lives are destined to end in the hands of evil imperialistic florists that conjured up the whole notion of flowers as a great gift idea.

The touching story brought a tear to Sarah's she vowed never again to pick a flower from its stem that will destroy a pretty flower's hope, dreams and future. In return the flowers thanked her for her kindness, and gave her the most valuable gift of all - love. They told her that this was the gift that she could share as much as she wanted and it would never run out. But she already knew that, since her parents reminded her many years ago. Did her parents meet her flower friends too? She wondered.

But it was getting late and she had to bid them farewell and return home, but she promised to return whenever she could. Sarah skipped happily back home. She learned something valuable today, that receiving love felt as good as giving love, and happiness is indeed contagious and kindness would certainly be repaid in the future when you most need it. She wanted to spread the word out to as many people who need it as possible, so she decided to have her own website, however was taken so she kind of gave up on the idea.

It was a long day, and Sarah was feeling quite tired, so she retired to her bed where she closed her eyes, and eventually slept. She wondered what would tomorrow bring? But that's another story.

~ the end ~

POLICE have confirmed that Sarah* (name withheld, victim was a minor), was suffering from a substance abuse, a cocaine overdose, if you must. Officials are now on a manhunt for the parents of Sarah who are now tagged as fugitives on the biggest coke-bust ever since the last one, of course. County Sheriff Earp was quoted as saying 'man, these people ought to be brought to justice. What kind of wise *ss injects fruits with that stuff anyway?'. Inside sources inform that crates of these so-called 'fruits' are being exported to major cities across the globe. Sarah is now doing serious rehabilitation in an unnamed institution.

What, you thought flowers could talk?

Wednesday, March 13, 2002

Tuesday, March 12, 2002

Happiness is not overrated >> depression is.

So it seems as though I have some kind of title for each of my logs, isn't that interesting? I think so. It takes a lot of time, thought, and tinkering to come up with something as brilliant as a brilliant title, also known collectively as the 3Ts. Now you would have guessed that I just made that up, but so goes for just about everything else that I usually add into my words to make them more interesting, just as spices enhance the flavor of the food, nonsense enhances the quality of my conversation.

Am I happy now? I should say, not really. Contented yes, and mostly in deep thought. It just dawned upon me the other day that my life is moving a bit quickly, as in, a lot quickly more like it, in a flash the new year was over and I'm finding myself in the third month of the year. How quick was that? Then I remembered someone told me that from now until when I'm 30 will be the quickest time of my life. I also remembered that someone told me that I will not amount to anything. So I guess there are certain things that I should never listen to what others say.

In fact I don't think I really do. At least for now. Is that a good thing, or is that a bad thing?

I encourage feedback so please send all your rants and raves to . Do you want to know a secret? I have no idea what rant and rave means. I just assume that it means suggestions and criticisms. If I am wrong don't correct me coz I won't listen to you anyway.

Also on another advertising note please let people you think might benefit from reading the crap I write, know about this weblog so that I may enrich their lives with tales of happiness, sorrow, joy and laughter, blood and tears. No, let me think about it for a minute, well, less blood stories coz I probably won't have much to say unless I am bleeding profusely from an accident or from a sharp knock on my head after I subconsciously insult somebody while attempting to explain one of my theories by using a wrong analogy.

So let's talk about happiness. What makes you happy? I the last thing that made me happy was a good meal, the thing before was buying 2 rugs for less than RM20. I don't think I really remember anything before that. Yes, rugs and food. That's all in my mind right now if you're going to ask me.

I was at KL yesterday because believe it or not, I accidentally loaded my camera with a roll of black and white film I had intended to use on Friday in KL. So anyway, not wanting to leave the film in the camera for so long I thought to myself that I really needed to go out and take the pictures one way or the other. Now what prompted me to do that was on a Sunday night when I was having dinner out in the open, I looked up and saw the clearest, most beautiful sky I have ever seen. It was a blueish purple with orange clouds and it was so nice! So I thought, I should head over to KL Tower to take a nice landscape view.

And so the next day I did all the work in the office extra quick so that I could leave. And luckily there was someone standing by in the office so I actually *could* leave. Went to KL to finish the black and whites in the scorching sun. Man! It was like, you could just feel the radiation being absorbed into the I actually did speed walking and shooting coz I really didn't have much time to shoot and it was too hot to be lingering around anyway. After the roll was done, good riddance, I loaded the second roll of color film. By then I was already about 400 metres above the ground in KL Tower looking at what would seem as though to be a hazy skyline. A VERY hazy skyline. I could see perhaps the buildings immediately in front, but nothing quite like the skyline I had imagined all the beauty to be on that Sunday evening.

With that I decided that I would wait till nightfall to take some night pictures instead, because you can't see haze in the night, or so I hoped. No really. Well for about 2 hours I had to put up with tourists, tourists, and more tourists. Well, I DID look like a tourist, I have no idea why. But I was very proud of my white ticket as compared to the tourist-orange tickets. Somehow when you look like a tourist they speak to you slower. Do-you-want-a-listening-kit-Sir? was like an attempt to communicate to you in a foreign language they weren't sure about. Well anyway at least they were friendly, and I found it weird that they asked if ...let me make that, they joked-while-asking if I carried a knife. As I walked through the security gate that beeped incessantly due to my large bunch of keys and my mobile they kind of just let me go and jokingly asked 'you takde bawa pisau kan? ha ha ha ha ha', were the exact words they used. I smiled and said no. What a friendly interrogation!

So for 2 hours I had nothing to do, and I watched as people, tourists, some photographers, some would-be photographers, some people trying to be a photographer, now don't get me wrong I won't claim that I am a photographer nor a good one at that, but when someone pulls out a professional camera to take a night shot with a flash while trying to look like they are adjusting the camera to get the perfect shot, just annoys me.

Plus these are my thoughts. It would be strange though if someone were critical of my thoughts. Well it isn't wrong, it's perfectly normal, but for someone to say, you shouldn't think like that, your thoughts are wrong. Is very strange indeed. I would say...okay, I will think differently then. In an honest and polite manner befitting my personality *ahem*

So anyway I took all the night shots I ever wanted, wasn't too happy about them because of the weather conditions and I think being holed up at high altitudes does make someone a little grumpy, I called it a night, had a slow drive home and watched the cars zip past me. Driving is sometimes very calming if you aren't trying to avoid the lorries that are trying to run you over and kill you, yes, I had a relaxing drive. Reached home, had a bath...and wondered when would be the right time to use my new goose feather pillows.

Maybe tonight...I've had a long day...but so did the rest of the world.

At least I've got new soft pillows.

Monday, March 11, 2002

Diets are life suppressants >> really.

Let me take you on a tour of what I had for dinner...steamed cod fish with garlic and ginger, deer meat with thick black pepper sauce sauteed with onions and sliced crispy flour strips, broiled spinach with deep fried anchovies, fresh deep fried tofu chunks in an egg based crab meat sauce, and my personal favorite accompaniment, fresh diced garlic and cili padi in soy sauce.

If you were talking about going on a diet, and if you were with me yesterday, I would totally ignore you. If you persisted, I might just be tempted to remove you from my address book. Ah! The food was wonderful, and I was glad I didn't have lunch. I think this inconsistent meal thing is taking its toll, I have gained myself about...2kgs in a week, that's not necessarily alarming but then it is somewhat of a concern, considering that my weight fluctuates at most 5kgs in a week, perhaps the scale was faulty. Hmm, perhaps it could be. Imagine how a simple life-threatening object like a scale can screw up your life! Never underestimate the power of simple everyday objects.

And yet now, after I have awoken from my deep sleep I am eating again. Makes me wonder if all that eating was necessary. Let me think about it for a while...hmm....hmm...yes it was.

I have a couple of things planned for the next week, good things, exciting things, interesting things...its a whole fun fair of a week! That and the fact that my second favorite day is a holiday. Oh, that would be Friday. PLUS Sonique and Chicane will be performing at Dewan Merdeka, PWTC on Friday. Free advertising? No. I really want to go. It just so happens that the people around me have no idea who they are...we are an MTV deprived generation, I think. Ah...I remember the times when I used to love that song...'Don't give it up...dum..dum.dum....dum..dum.dum....' and it would be like an accompanying background vocals to the voice in my head. Very cool.

So anyway if I have to I will go alone. Yes, the lone voyage. I have done that before, many times, but that was many years ago, watch a movie alone, go to a cafe and write in my little black notepad (the book was black the paper was white). But don't you think it is quite freaky if your notebook was really black? Like, with black pages and everything...hehe, yes and it would be even freakier if you wrote in blood. Okay, I think the slew of horror movies (thirteen ghosts, mothman prophecies, from hell, session 9?..etc) have warped my thought processes.

In other news, current favorite video would be...umm, Enrique Iglesias' Escape. I think it's quite well done, the exposures and the lighting is excellent. Ooo and it's playing now too, how cool is that? Ah anyway back to the song...its also quite a cool song to be driving around in, I bought the cd from an online auction site from this wiry fella who trades in these cds. It was a strange encounter because I have no idea how he got them but I got them really cheap. Anyway back to the song!!! Yet again....okay fine, you expected it, Anna Kournikova. There's something about her that's very...captivating. So says the drones of other male counterparts.

You know what, I just woke up and so I don't think the fuzziness has thoroughly gone out of my head yet. Haha, sometimes I experience the fuzziness throughout the whole day, you think there are pills to fix that? I saw some umm...kava kava supplements yesterday, at least that's what I think it was called, so I was curious because it sounded exotic, and I looked at the label - it's for helping with difficulty in sleeping. I thought for a few seconds, I do have trouble sleeping sometimes but those are the times where I have the most to say, or when I am most creative, it's like I am a whole different person, or perhaps I am modelling my life around the theme of Fight Club, which is also one of my favorite movies, but after a while I put it back and decided that lack of sleep is a privilege that few can say they enjoy. My personal record? 3 days without sleep. Your body feels limp, your brain feels like coagulated bacon grease, and you speak in a drawl.

Kinda reminds me of a typical Monday in the office.

Sunday, March 10, 2002

Diets are life suppressants >> really.

Let me take you on a tour of what I had for dinner...steamed cod fish with garlic and ginger, deer meat with thick black pepper sauce sauteed with onions and sliced crispy flour strips, broiled spinach with deep fried anchovies, fresh deep fried tofu chunks in an egg based crab meat sauce, and my personal favorite accompaniment, fresh diced garlic and cili padi in soy sauce.

If you were talking about going on a diet, and if you were with me yesterday, I would totally ignore you. If you persisted, I might just be tempted to remove you from my address book. Ah! The food was wonderful, and I was glad I didn't have lunch. I think this inconsistent meal thing is taking its toll, I have gained myself about...2kgs in a week, that's not necessarily alarming but then it is somewhat of a concern, considering that my weight fluctuates at most 5kgs in a week, perhaps the scale was faulty. Hmm, perhaps it could be. Imagine how a simple life-threatening object like a scale can screw up your life! Never underestimate the power of simple everyday objects.

And yet now, after I have awoken from my deep sleep I am eating again. Makes me wonder if all that eating was necessary. Let me think about it for a while...hmm....hmm...yes it was.

I have a couple of things planned for the next week, good things, exciting things, interesting things...its a whole fun fair of a week! That and the fact that my second favorite day is a holiday. Oh, that would be Friday. PLUS Sonique and Chicane will be performing at Dewan Merdeka, PWTC on Friday. Free advertising? No. I really want to go. It just so happens that the people around me have no idea who they are...we are an MTV deprived generation, I think. Ah...I remember the times when I used to love that song...'Don't give it up...dum..dum.dum....dum..dum.dum....' and it would be like an accompanying background vocals to the voice in my head. Very cool.

So anyway if I have to I will go alone. Yes, the lone voyage. I have done that before, many times, but that was many years ago, watch a movie alone, go to a cafe and write in my little black notepad (the book was black the paper was white). But don't you think it is quite freaky if your notebook was really black? Like, with black pages and everything...hehe, yes and it would be even freakier if you wrote in blood. Okay, I think the slew of horror movies (thirteen ghosts, mothman prophecies, from hell, session 9?..etc) have warped my thought processes.

In other news, current favorite video would be...umm, Enrique Iglesias' Escape. I think it's quite well done, the exposures and the lighting is excellent. Ooo and it's playing now too, how cool is that? Ah anyway back to the song...its also quite a cool song to be driving around in, I bought the cd from an online auction site from this wiry fella who trades in these cds. It was a strange encounter because I have no idea how he got them but I got them really cheap. Anyway back to the song!!! Yet again....okay fine, you expected it, Anna Kournikova. There's something about her that's very...captivating. So says the drones of other male counterparts.

You know what, I just woke up and so I don't think the fuzziness has thoroughly gone out of my head yet. Haha, sometimes I experience the fuzziness throughout the whole day, you think there are pills to fix that? I saw some umm...kava kava supplements yesterday, at least that's what I think it was called, so I was curious because it sounded exotic, and I looked at the label - it's for helping with difficulty in sleeping. I thought for a few seconds, I do have trouble sleeping sometimes but those are the times where I have the most to say, or when I am most creative, it's like I am a whole different person, or perhaps I am modelling my life around the theme of Fight Club, which is also one of my favorite movies, but after a while I put it back and decided that lack of sleep is a privilege that few can say they enjoy. My personal record? 3 days without sleep. Your body feels limp, your brain feels like coagulated bacon grease, and you speak in a drawl.

Kinda reminds me of a typical Monday in the office.

Saturday, March 09, 2002

understated intelligence, overstated stupidity >>

Its four thirty or rather sixteenthirtyhours in military time. What do I want to do today? Nothing, absolutely nothing at all. Lie on my back. Close my eyes, rest. I had been thinking way too much lately and the added stress would just jostle me into the deep end, and as you know, this holds true for all deep ends, you never do get out, unless you're in a bad B-movie and you're an attractive female who miraculously loses your clothes while running away from a non-existent freak of nature, then you might get out...which by the way reminds me, I watched Survivor 4 yesterday, it's quite evident who's leading, but overall it's a lot better but I wish I could b***h-slap someone whenever they say 'alliances', coz it just spoils all the fun.

For a one liner, this is a very long line, so I shall stop now. Tune in to keep up.

Friday, March 08, 2002

[your] RUBBISH, my [ART]

It just so happens that sometimes coincidences happen so predictably that you form a theory to explain this seemingly illogical act of nature. Freak of nature. Well mine would be, if I don't take my camera out, strange things will just zip by in front of me as if mocking me 'regret not taking out your camera now? don't ya? moron!' yes the little voice in my head constantly taunts me.

Just yesterday I was about to leave the office due to claustrophobic reasons (and yes that is a good reason to flee from anything...bad dates, in-laws, people trying to sell you things you don't need...) for lunch, and in my bag were all my camera equipment, see? I made an effort to switch to my smaller, standard lens coz I thought I'd bring it out, but then again I was thinking...I'm here for about 5 months now and lunch was never anything interesting...why now? In the end I decided that I would just walk there, have lunch then get back and then life would resume its course.

About 50 metres to the road. Nothing. Good. I saw many things, bored office people going for lunch, bored office people going for lunch talking on their mobile/cellphones(depending on where you're living), pretentious people trying to make their lives more interesting by pretending they aren't bored office people going for lunch. So far so good, life is normal. Then all of a sudden I am greeted by a loud roar of a superbike coming in from my left, zipping past me and the rider was one of those Taliban-like people in full garb. How queer is that? Hmm...just that I don't see much of that around. Should've taken a picture...bah.

Well I was at lunch, okay now I shall slowly disconnect from the 'missed picture opportunities' phase coz I dont want to ramble about the cute children that were laughing or the man blowing bubbles with some kids hanging around him or the excellent lighting at the Taiwan Noodle Shop that I had lunch that looked rustic, among other things. So now I was at lunch. Sitting quietly after ordering, observing my surroundings. Is it because I am more acute when I'm not having anything to do?

These 2 men came sitting at the table adjacent to mine. Okay, very well. They started ordering their food in Mandarin. Strange, but they had a funny accent attached to their Mandarin, like they weren't proficient. True I am none the better but then I let that go, then they started speaking to each other in Mandarin. Extra strange, coz they really were fumbling with their words trying to hold up a conversation in a language that they don't speak in the first place. Perhaps I was overly critical or sour, or perhaps I didn't have anything to do. Mobile rings, man picks up phone, talks in Cantonese. Natural. Ah, so why don't they carry out the conversation in Cantonese in the first place? Nevermind. One man orders noodles with less noodles, one orders one with more noodles. Fair enough. Then when the food arrives, the man who ordered the less noodles portion interrogates the waitress, demanding to know which one is the lesser. I was thinking...if you are customizing your lunch, you should know how it's going to turn out, here's a tip, look at your friggin' food and decide for yourself!

I ate in silence, just as usual. Morons. Thought the little voice in my head. I most absolutely have to agree.

Thursday, March 07, 2002

Opening [sequence]

For there is a reason for everything, perhaps sometimes the quest for truth has halted our lives somewhat, or slowed it down. I remember the times when I was constantly searching for truth, meaning. Did I find it? Yes. Truth is a non-lie and meaning is a description of truth. But we don't necessarily work on the platform of truth and lies, or truth versus lies for that matter. Since most of what we are basing our lives on are lies anyway.

Pretty morbid, Its funny how we associate a bad thing with a good thing. Does that make it all better? I know associating a good thing with a bad thing is a good thing. Keeps perspective. Much like pain, see? Pain is good coz it makes you appreciate normality more. Some people just get stuck in the pain cycle. Its sick, its pathetic. It should be ended. Somebody should just disappear.

The chill of cool air constantly reminding me that I have feelings, and being stuck in this small space does not bring about claustrophobic thoughts. No, I am a happy contented worker. Maybe that's just the B Complex talking. Maybe its the OD on vitamins that makes me believe that I am actually better, healthier, stronger. Maybe it doesn't do jack. I sincerely hope jack isn't listening to this.

All my thoughts are focused on the weekend. Yes...the moment of truth begins at 1730hours on Friday. That's where the fun begins. And such a wide selection of fun indeed! So many places to go and things to do. But yet I find myself stuck in a little enclosure. Its a haven, I tell ya. Its comfort zone. Ichiban! Little voice in my head tells me what I don't really need to be anywhere else but here. Here is good. Stay here. You will like it here. Eventually.

And eventually indeed, I will lull myself. No, wait, the little voice will lull me into thinking that everything is indeed good, and nice, and pretty. Perhaps that's the reason why I have been docile as a sheep. Why are sheep docile anyway? I mean, someone gives you a close shave then proceeds to marinade you in different sauces and the eventual realization that you will be one with the barbeque pit. Morbid, yes. But if done right, downright delicious.

[brain] tuning out.