Tuesday, March 14, 2006

the end of reasoning

I used to have this bad habit of questioning things, challenging events, people, situation, calamities, disasters. The usual questions of who what why where and when. It seems that the more questions you ask, the better informed you will be, and the better informed you are, the more intelligent you will turn out, or seem to be, at least.

Then a string of bad experiences and events started to happen to me simultaneously. Of course the first few you really spend time questioning the hows and the whys. Then you take a step back and evaluate yourself from a third person perspective. I'm a big fan of third person perspective for its ethereal, magical feel and of course a more practical reason of being able to have an overview of the entire situation and not get caught up in its intensity by being a participant.

But when you get into that mode you really start to look at yourself and the people around you in the presence of calamity. You see how people react, the chaos and confusion, and then you really wonder if all that commotion is worth that much trouble. Its all hyped up by media, I think, every little bloody thing. When you get some guy recovering from disaster that struck, it becomes an inspirational story. You get a person who's recently been disabled and gets on with life, it becomes a feature film. We treat these people who manage to deal with issues and move on, as heroes. I take a look at all these inspiration stories, and I spit on it. I say, that's what you should be doing anyway, I say that's your purpose in life. God gave you the right to live, and to get on with life. Which explains why the Book of Job is still my favorite in the Bible.

I'm going through a phase right now, where everything is going right, but then my personal relationship is affecting that. There is no answer to matters of the heart, and the longer I wait, the longer I suffer, the more uncertain my future becomes. I want to not think about it and to move on. I want to be complete. But I guess these are uncertain times, where certainty becomes a valued commodity, where promises cannot be kept because everybody markets something. Everybody advertises something. Advertising minions are a mind-twisting bunch in hopes to sell you something, anything. But you can't sell me something I don't want to buy. In the end what is left? I am back where I started, I have known what I've known all along, and that is I know nothing.

But I am fine with that, I move on with life, brush it off, and take it as it comes.